Miracle Drug
by double scotch.single malt
Summary: This ficlet is deep and memorable and spiritual - and perhaps made from the essence of what makes Derek Shepherd tick - it's a dissection, yet still manages to be whimsical and deep and full of  true love and hope. Set in the midst of Season 3.
1. Part 1, 'There isn't much time,'

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: ****There is nothing I can say about this ficlet at this time other than – it's deep and memorable and spiritual – and perhaps made from the essence of what makes Derek Shepherd tick. And so as the clock ticks on and on and he waits and waits, his greatest wish would be that time would stop and he could go back ... go back to where it all started.**

**This story is short, choppy and rudimentary ... yet somehow whimsical and deep and full of hope. Take a listen to the song, ****really**** listen … U2's lyrics and rhythm and tempo are just perfect for this story.**

**Miracle Drug**

Lyrics for U2's "Miracle Drug":

I want a trip inside your head  
Spend the day there...  
To hear the things you haven't said  
And see what you might see

I wanna hear you when you call  
Do you feel anything at all?  
I wanna see your thoughts take shape  
And walk right out

Freedom has a scent  
Like the top of a new born baby's head

The songs are in your eyes  
I see them when you smile  
I've seen enough I'm not giving up  
On a miracle drug

Of science and the human heart  
There is no limit  
There is no failure here sweetheart  
Just when you quit...

I am you and you are mine  
Love makes no sense of space  
And time...will disappear  
Love and logic keep us clear  
Reason is on our side, love...

The songs are in your eyes  
I see them when you smile  
I've had enough of romantic love  
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up  
For a miracle, a miracle drug, a miracle drug

God I need your help tonight

Beneath the noise  
Below the din  
I hear your voice  
It's whispering  
In science and in medicine  
"I was a stranger  
You took me in"

The songs are in your eyes  
I see them when you smile  
I've had enough of romantic love  
Yeah, I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up  
For a miracle, miracle drug

Miracle, miracle drug

###

**Miracle Drug – Part 1 – 'There isn't much time …,'**

_He blinked. And then he waited. He waited and waited. Waited to be saved. _

_The old trick didn't work. And everything was just how he left it. _

_There were no games of nighttime subterfuge; no warm blankets to hide beneath. _

_His heart sank akin to an anchor. A shoal of darkness, a foreboding shadow shrouded him – he swallowed, acidic residue burned his throat, his vitriol nerve-endings screamed in silent protest – he was cold down to his bone marrow, freezing on the inside, his body shook like the last leaf on a vine … the last of autumn about to fall … into the austerity of winter. _

_He swallowed again, the habit forming now – his raw throat burned, acid filled his mouth – but he swallowed anyway mindlessly trying to dampen his throat – water, warm like a bath, he needed water … but there was no way he could move so he swallowed instead, closing his eyes for a brief moment instead, tick, tick went the clock – he opened his eyes – everything was just as he left it. _

_Cold. Bleak. Scary. Unfathomable. Sickening. Jarring. Humbling. Horrifying. _

_He blinked. And then he waited. He waited and waited. Waited to be saved._

_The old trick didn't work. And everything was just how he left it. _

_His mother was still crying. His feet were still freezing. The fluorescent lights were still magnifying. His father was still in surgery. His life was still hanging in the balance. _

_Weightless tears pooled in the shallow wells of his eyes – he looked away from his mother to let them fall in peace; somewhere in the vast privacy of the moment – focusing instead on the activity in the waiting room, his wet, yet dry eyes landing on the Nurses' Station … their lives seemingly unfettered by all that was happening to his and yet, they were in the thick of it. _

_For they were the quintessential 'good guys', they were their last hope … hiding out inside a beacon of their own making. _

_They were both angels and heroes swathed in pristine white lab coats … shiny stethoscopes and ballpoint pens and medical jargon, their weapons of choice. _

_They were miracle makers … and somehow the new Gods to whom he had started praying to from the moment they were ushered inside this safe haven … 'please, please, please', he chanted and prayed and prayed and chanted. _

'_Please, please, please' he cried even louder now, pleading deep inside of himself as fat tears stung his eyes and fell down his tired face like sheets of hot acid rain – droplets of salt water imprinting onto his denim-clad thighs now – splat, splat, splat, he sniffled and that otherwise tiny, private noise suddenly sounded like cracking thunder. _

_His secret was out … he knew this much when his mother rested her cold hand over the tiny, wet circles his tears had left behind. He looked down, scrutinizing her hand, his father's coagulated blood still wedged into her cuticles – dried, cracked, deep crimson – his blood … his … blood … his … heart gave out. _

_He blinked. And then he waited. He waited and waited. Waited to be saved._

_And then by some miracle … the angels came, the doctors. And with their arrival, a new energy swarmed into the waiting room, alighted like a flock of wild birds – the axis of that energy residing somewhere between horror and hope – his mother stood as if attached to a pulley, her watery eyes fixed on the doctor in the middle; just a man, but in this moment, her last hope. _

_Stunned by the energy, he watched from his seat, still immobilized, still unable to do more than move his eyes a fraction of a inch at a time, for he was scared, all of sudden scared of the world and all of the people surrounding them – except for those who resided here – those angels, the ones with the power to do something, the ones swathed in white. _

_And so he recoiled and also rejoiced while the miracle workers worked their miracles and counseled his steadfast mother while she cried and cried until she suddenly thanked them._

_For it would seem his father was saved – for now – and although relief consumed him, he could already see the __black veil cross over his beloved mother's face – shrouding her bright, dancing and happy eyes along with her flushed cheeks – for what would turn out to be forever. _

_He blinked and then he waited, blinking desperately one last time, berating himself to will it to be true, to will it all to be a nightmare from which he could just blink and wake up from. _

_His chest hurt as he watched the veil darken over his mother's face – the doctors explaining his father's precarious state – saying things like, 'there isn't much time … there __is__ time, but not that much time … a gift, mere minutes, maybe hours left'. _

_He swallowed hard again, bile rose in his throat – his chest hurt – he found his hand pressing against his weakened heart, 'is this what it felt like' he wondered, what his father felt like … empty, vulnerable, open, wounded, a rude fissure down the middle of his heart where he would come to bleed … to death. Is this what it felt like?_

_Blink!_

_Blink!_

_Blink!_

_He screamed, commanding his wet-dry eyes to listen to his desperate pleas, his empty anger pinging around the waiting room and beyond with nowhere to go … blink! 'Save yourself!' Blink!_

_Blink!_

_Blink!_

_Blink!_

_It was just a nightmare, it had to be – if he blinked everything would be back to the way it always was – his parents would be asleep down the hall, his sisters also asleep, their rooms flanking his – all he had to do was blink and he could make it all disappear and save himself!_

_Blink!_

_Blink!_

_Blink!_

_His stomach heaved, fresh bile pooled in his mouth, he swallowed hard … his heart rattling around in his chest with this small spark of clarity he managed to find amidst the dark cold: the waiting was over and so was the blinking … and so was the saving._

_His mother's eyes told him this much, suddenly a shade darker from the veil of uncertainty that shrouded the very core of being – she told him without words that this was no nightmare – she told him with her blank horrified stare … no, no … this was their reality … this was __his__ reality and there was no one to save him. _

_And in that moment he knew she was also gone – that the mother he knew would forever be changed – she was gone, her life changed within a single split-second, tick, tick went the clock … and she was lost. So lost as he watched her crumble before his eyes – finally standing just in time to catch her as she braced herself against the window in the deep, dark pocket of the waiting room – the waiting and the hope for being saved were over … and so was life as he knew it … and it was all gone with a blink … the blink of an eye. _

_Blink!_

_Blink!_

_Blink!_

_Blink!_

_Blink!_

His heart stopped beating; literally giving out on him before it began to race again and therein he realized that the reality of his nightmare had only just begun again. He screamed inside, crying out for help; his heart on fire, yet his blood still flowing cold – _murky, dark, frigid, salty_ – his blue veins still waterlogged, besieged by his pounding heartache and bewildered struggle.

His silent cries shaking his voice like a tremor now; he was lost, imbalanced, thrown off kilter as if another bomb had exploded – _his eyes burned, misting akin to dry ice, he was breaking apart on the inside, disappearing into nothingness_ – he shook his head on these tiny, frail admissions of truth wherein he woke up from his long blank stare and forced himself back into the heart-wrenching tragedy of the moment.

_Tears stung his gateways, a swarm of violent bees, prick, prick, prick! _

_He blinked hard; his eyes swept his familiar surroundings now although he felt like a fish out of water, helplessly drowning on dry land! _

_Drowning, spiraling with shame in mind, body and spirit now despite his best intentions to tread water … to survive … to be saved!_

_He shivered on the truth; for wasn't he was supposed to be the savior? The last hope?_

He felt sick again, bile rose higher and higher, stinging his throat with acid; he blinked and then he waited – _daring himself to wake up now, struggling to do just that as he opened his eyes wider_ – forcing himself back into the present where his new nightmare had surpassed the old and ultimately became his reality.

_And then he blinked. And then he waited. Waited to be saved. Except that he already knew the old trick wouldn't work. For everything was just how he left it. He was exactly where he was … blinking … waiting … waiting to be saved. _

"_Who you here for?_" asked a man sitting nearby, his voice soft and raw; he was lost too.

_He looked up and stared at the stranger for a beat, grounding himself inside the moment. His head spun and he shivered somewhere deep inside, still frozen … his mind still vacillating between the two vivid nightmares. _

"What?" he asked; his brow knitted with confusion.

"I'm waiting on my wife, car hit her," he shook his head in disbelief. "Can you believe that, on the ferry?' he asked, his eyes soft and wet, but dry. "She was run over on the ferry," he said quietly, staring down and away. "They haven't said much," he admitted grimly. "Hard as hell to get any of these people to talk to ya," he muttered, pressing his lips together.

He watched him for a beat before he looked away, focusing on the activity moving all around them. He turned back to the man. "Yeah, I'm, uh … my girlfriend was there too," he admitted, his heart shaking like a leaf as he made the nightmare his reality. "And I don't know...," he shook his head _– blue, cold, alone, lifeless, blue, blue_ – his heart shook too. "I don't know what's gonna happen …," he breathed, his chest tight with regret, _pinch, pinch, pinch. _

"It's out of our hands," the man said evenly. "It's up to the doctors now," he commiserated gently.

"Yeah. Yeah," he muttered, the irony slapping him in the face – _blink, blink, wake up, wake up, please, please, please _– a dawn of recognition once again pinching his heart low and deep.

"What's her name?" the man inquired with genuine interest, his voice soft and low.

"Meredith," Derek breathed, a reflexive smile etched along his face as he turned back to find the kind man's eyes.

_His steady smile drained from his face and he pressed his lips together, his heart raged on and on inside, pounding into his eardrums – 'It's not 'Jane Doe', it's Meredith Grey! It's Meredith!' – his warbled call lingered – 'It's Meredith' – came his voice again, rattling around in his mind with nowhere to go – 'It's Meredith' – he husked, her name stuck in his throat and in his mind where she was still blue and still cold and still anchored with salt water.  
_  
"I'll put her in my prayers," the man offered with that same soft tone.

He locked his eyes with the stranger's and pressed his lips together. "Thanks," he replied before looking away again, somehow sucker-punched by the idea of praying, _really_ praying … for anyone at all … for his beloved Meredith.

_His aching heart trapped now somewhere between the past and present – he leaned forward, bracing himself on his knees – for the truth was, he hadn't thought about his faith in a long while … for all of the praying he did that night his father perished kind of exceeded the limit of what he was willing to put his faith in … until he met Meredith and asked her for hers. _

_And all the while, for all of these years before this one – he never really blinked again –– never really allowed himself to fully invest in the idea of his faith … except that ironically, it would turn out that he would become the last hope for many – the miracle maker, the tie breaker – the one who could give the gift of time._

_Yes, it was those doctors, the ones who held his hope in the palms of their hands that night oh so long ago – they set the pace, they changed the course of his life, they made him believe in the power of medicine and of the meaning of time – and even if they didn't save his father in the end, they did change who he was destined to become and therein he still believed in a handful of whimsical ideas ... ideas of … _

_Hopeful optimism …_

_True love and soul mates …_

_Beating the odds …_

_All things scientific …_

_And … _

_Medical miracles … _

_The miracles and power of his faith in medicine – and so as he turned back to the man to ask him more about his wife – Derek Shepherd knew that within the foreseeable future he would enter the vast, lonely hospital chapel and give his heart and soul away in prayers for Meredith Grey, 'please, please, please', he chanted silently, 'blink, blink, blink, someone save me … someone save us' was all he could dare to muster._

**Miracle Drug – Part 2 to follow. **


	2. Part 2, 'You had a terrible childhood,'

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks to the few of you who were kind enough to comment on the opener … I know this is dark and I know this arc has been explored by many writers, but for me, writing this piece was a quest in a way to somehow get back to the roots of why I loved this show so much … while simultaneously exploring the beginning of the end of that love for me … the whole "burn it to the ground" business we were all subjected too … anyway, maybe some of you will be happy to know, that it worked and I found an angle to explore for a S7 story which I am currently writing, so … hang in there, like I said, there is hope laced throughout!**

**Please leave a note for me … please … I am digging deep here and felt like I was drowning right along with Mer/Der whilst engrossed in this story. THANKS. **

###**  
**

**Miracle Drug – ****'You had a terrible childhood…,'**

Derek flipped Jane Wilson's file back into place and eyeballed the OR Board, scanning the black and white boxes for her name – _'J. Wilson. J. Wilson' _– and there she was, OR 3. He pressed his lips together and sighed; they should be about done in there. He looked at the names of the surgeons and was satisfied that she was in good hands for the repairs of her internal injuries which thankfully did not, on the outset, involve her heart or her brain and if what Tom had reported was accurate – _that Jane was 'the picture of health' _– Derek surmised that she would be just fine to survive the work that needed to be done.

His heart ached – _literally ached, pinching again somewhere low and deep inside 'Meredith's place' _– he grasped for his PDA on his hip and snapped it free, once again checking the settings, making sure he somehow didn't miss a page or a text – _anything at all_ – no news, there was still no news … the silence … it was unbearable … it was killing him. He swallowed hard, reluctantly turning away from the world he knew and the relative comfort he found therein to continue on to face his exercise in faith.

###

With a trembling hand, Derek pulled on the decorative door handle of the hospital chapel – _he'd never been inside_ – even when that bomb went off, he didn't come here for salvation, instead he found himself at Meredith's house that night and much like it had been from the moment they met – _she saved him _– just by surviving, she had saved him all over again.

The heavy door closed behind him – _but the din of the world did not fall away –_ instead, the ugliness of the ferryboat tragedy was trapped within; the space was crowded, but quiet and reflective despite the faint swell of murmurs and the crescendo of sniffles that served as an orchestra for the for this defining moment for so many like him.

For they were lost souls, hopelessly lost without their loved ones. His burning eyes adjusted to the ambient light – _billowy, calm, still_ – he scanned the space frame by frame and found a place to sit near the back where he stood presently … a place that offered a quick exodus if need be.

He cleared his throat and looked up to the front of the chapel, his sight lost on the bouncing shadows created from a few rows of candles located in the far right corner of the sacred space. He breathed heavily, _move, move, move_, his stomach twisted as he stood still and placed his fingers upon his warm lips – _he felt the phantom impression of Meredith's blue, cold mouth upon his, tears stung his eyes, her lips were so cold, so lifeless_ – his heart ached, split down the middle now while his mind wandered to the unfathomable before he could stop himself: _and there Meredith was, without hope … cold, dead, alone. _

Trembling like a leaf on a vine, his heart gave out and he shook inside, his hand moving along the rounded edge of the back pew as he walked, passing by an older couple situated all by themselves as he did, he wondered who they were here for; his chest tightened at the thought – _he looked up and scanned the rows and rows of people, their souls seemingly stuck just like his_ – hopeful, yet full of dread and nausea over what might come to fruition … would they be blessed with a miracle … and would he?

He sat down in defeat at the end of the long row, the open aisle to his left, the doors offering his escape route directly behind him. He sighed and forced himself to take a deep breath of the stale air – _salty, pungent, sterile_ – wherein he pushed it down with all of his might, swallowing now the bile that rose in his throat as he lost all control.

His chest constricted; fat tears welled in his eyes and he had no choice but to let them escape, for he had no choice here at all – _Meredith's fate and destiny were tantamount to his own –_ and all he could do was sit and wait, and the irony was killing him, for after everything he'd done in his life thus far to be the one –_ the last hope _– all he could do was sit idly by and wait … wait for his fate to come for him.

_His body shook now, a hot flash washed over him – the past and present meshing together again – the nightmare of the waiting game seizing him with the skilled precision of a habit of its own making. His stomach convulsed and he wanted nothing more than to scream and recoil and vomit and weep – Meredith, blue, freezing, alone, alone – he had failed her again and this time there was nothing he could do for her, no false promises to make, no smoothing over to be done – no time left, he was out of time to make it up to her – for she was down for the count and all he could do was wait and wait ... and blink._

_Tears of sorrow cascaded down his face and he stood up – his knees buckled; he reached for his PDA – grasping it tightly akin to a lifeline, 'please, please' he chanted silently as the sacred space closed in on him and he felt consumed, alone, bereft and disconnected. _

_He thought now that maybe he couldn't do this after all, maybe there was a better place to wait and pray, somewhere more private – the tunnels or the rooftop, he craned his neck back, his tears trailed down his cheeks making their way behind his ears – he shoulders shook, no, no … those were hiding places and he was done with hiding – no, no, leaving now would be abandonment – and as the term crossed his mind, he stifled a deep sob and sat down, firm in his decision now to stay put and wait and pray and pray and wait – to open himself up – to rekindle his faith and hope for his woman's survival._

Survival – _she was a survivor –_ if there was one thing Meredith Grey was it was just that: _a born survivor._

_She had survived her parents' selfishness. _

_She had survived his betrayals._

_She had survived a bomb explosion surely meant for her. _

_And each time she survived, she gave him hope; she restored his faith. _And should he be given the chance, he decided now that he would tell her in no uncertain terms what her survivor instincts have meant to him – _for she was his savior, still his breath of fresh air_ – and therein he would never again let her question or wonder how she had changed the course of his life. Because she did, from the moment they met at Joe's, she saved him – _all it took was one blink of her beautiful green eyes to know that he had met a force of nature unto herself – blink, blink_ … all it took was a split-second.

And it wasn't the sex, though he felt their congruence immediately and he knew she did too – _he remembered thinking how strange he should feel about being intimate with a woman other than Addison_ – and never in his life would have thought that he would stumble home with a stranger in the deep darkness and anonymous privacy of the night in a new city where he was just a lost soul in search of connectivity.

No … he wasn't the type to have a reckless sexual encounter … but he did – _and months later _– he would always remember asking Meredith just what was going on in _her_ mind that night – _because of course he knew what was going on in the vast uncertainty of his_ – for his mind, body and spirit were desperately trying to come to terms with Addison and Mark's betrayals, and the truth was:

He was numb, unable to feel for anyone else and unsure of how to breathe on his own.

_But the depth in Meredith's eyes soothed him like an intense muscle massage … _

_Her flirtatious giggle was like music to his ears, a long lost symphony …_

_Her youth was playful and exuberant, her energy like a drug … _

_She was full of life and hope, a miracle of her own making … _

_And yet, she harbored a certain sadness that almost made him want to cry …_

He was tipped to the side, for he understood her pain and therein he learned to breathe again.

And it was no secret between the two of them now that she took him by surprise and released the anchor of melancholy from his heart wherein he floated to the top and survived – _living, breathing, sexing his way up, up, up_ – to where the air was fresh and his new beginning awaited.

His stomach rolled, his heart pinched low and deep in that special place just for her, this small section of his heart he had amassed for her (even when they were still strangers), it was her place _– it was how he knew he fell in love with her to begin with_ – for not even returning to his wife had diminished the innate way his heart strings pulled for Meredith – _and yes, he would always remember the way her voice shook when she told him why she took him home with her that night _– and as much as fate or destiny dictated the crossing of their paths, to this day, Derek always wished he could have saved Meredith in the same way she had saved him that night and time and time again since then.

###

_He kissed the damp flesh of her neck and breathed her in – she was on call, he was supposed to be off – but instead he found himself here, he found himself craving her proximity like a narcotic. He his cock twitched inside her now familiar heat, her dewy legs still wrapped around him, her feet clasped low on his back – keeping him, holding him there – she sighed, her hot breath fanning his neck as she did, her vaginal muscles still pulsing around him, flesh on flesh – her wild, yet muffled calls of praise still hung in the hot, intimate air they shared with no one else. _

_Derek sighed, his heartbeat slowing down, down, down while he lazily kissed the pulse point on her neck, pulse, pulse, his lips moved over the beat of her heart and therein his began to beat with hers in tandem, slow, easy, peaceful … beat, beat. _

_She released her legs and his tired cock popped free of her confines, he raised himself up on one elbow and found his new lover in the dark with all the skill and precision that went with years of practice, for he knew without even seeing her what she looked like after she came hard like she just did – flushed, sated, sexy, carefree – he smiled and ran his hand along the halo of her matted hair._

_They had gotten into a routine of sorts, the stuff of relationships and to that point, he found himself settling behind her, spooning her and caressing her – his nose in her hair, his lips on her neck – his free hand draped possessively over her belly while she became heavier in his arms … and as much as he loved the sex, reclassified in his mind anyway, more akin to lovemaking now, as much as he loved making love with Meredith – he decided he loved the moments afterward even more – the moments when he felt safe and saved and trusted. _

_And even though there was so much he needed to hash out with her – he was too scared to lose her, for she was his salvation, he knew this for a while now and it seemed as of late that Meredith was also becoming more comfortable with their thing – she waited for him, she cared about him – her compassion was immeasurable, for he'd bare witness to this facet of her being countless times with her quick mind and her eye on her patient's and her friend's best interests. _

_The other night had been hard – the day had been long, but solidifying – Annie Connors and her tumor did him in, he felt like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, and to some degree he was; for he was the safe keeper of their livelihood, both his and Meredith's and after the surgery, after Annie was gone, Derek's hope had once again been shattered. He was despondent, he took a scalding hot shower and planned to go back to the trailer and the solace of his land – he hadn't been out there in weeks – and he needed to think, he needed to consider how to tell Meredith the whole ugly truth. _

_But then much to his surprise, she waited for him – she waited and stood there in the pouring rain – and waited to whisk him away to some safe place where she could love him in the only way she knew how. And with her gesture, she had saved him from himself (surely to her own detriment), but she had saved him nonetheless, she gave him hope when he had none … when he was not Annie's mother's last … anything. _

_And since that night, he'd really made love to her instead, it wasn't just about sex anymore and he knew that she felt the same way – and for this he was impaled upon a double-edged sword – for her making love with him was a testament to her feelings for him, feelings he knew she guarded with great tenacity … feelings that were just as new for her as the idea of trusting someone was. _

_He sighed and shifted closer to her heat, her firm tush pushing against his softening cock, he held her close and trembled inside at the idea of ripping the Band-Aid off and just telling her the truth, because she deserved it and because he was falling in love with her. She sighed into their makeshift enclave – he knew she could be called away in an instant – there was no time like the present, but where to start … perhaps at the beginning. _

"_Meredith," he found himself whispering then, pressing his lips to her neck, just below her ear. _

"_Hmm …," she sighed breathlessly, burrowing deeper into his heat. _

"_Can I ask you something?" he asked softly, his lips moving up to her earlobe where he kissed her there. _

"_You sound serious," she replied, rolling in his arms._

_She found his eyes in the dark and smiled weakly, cradling her head in the palm of her hand, her knee already jackknifed over his thighs, her free hand resting on his chest, her full breast nestled against his ribcage; his heart beating against her palm. He shook his head, but didn't answer, instead he just raised his hand and moved his fingertips along the crescent of her flushed cheek._

"_Talk," she pushed evenly, though he spotted the insecurity in her glassy eyes. _

_He breathed deeply and blinked – opening his eyes, she was right where he left her – gorgeous, sated from their quick round of heated bliss – she leaned closer and rubbed her damp sex against his hip, rub, rub, rub. He stared into her evergreen eyes, mesmerized by the way they sparkled even in the dark. She blinked and then did it again … blink, blink … she blinked back her waiting tears. He smiled and dared himself to ask her. _

"_Why … why did you bring me home with you that night?" he whispered, unsure if he really wanted to know her answer._

_She swallowed hard and stared at him as if she was searching for something – her eyes shifted and then she smiled weakly – leaning down, she pulsed her lips over his, he could taste the essence of 'them' on her mouth, he deepened their kiss, by instinct, he wanted more and so he held her tight, cradling her in his arms as they kissed and kissed deep inside their private place where no one could find them (unless they knocked). She pulsed her lips over his, once, twice, before she pulled back and found his gateways again, her insecurity gone for now. _

"_In the end … it was your pain," she confessed. Moving closer, she cradled his head in her hands, her hold on him, firm. "I don't know … normally …," she swallowed and shook her head. "You know … I don't … it doesn't matter …," her voice trailed off, but she stared at him still. _

"_It matters to me," he interjected, unexpected emotion found his throat. _

"_Hmm … I can't … it just didn't matter, what I wanted … because once I looked at you," she mused, her tone reflective and wistful. She smiled. "It was like looking into a mirror … I just saw you … and I wanted to stare at you and forget about blinking for a while …," she smiled before she brushed her lips against his, soft and quick. "I wanted … to forget – well, I __always__ wanted to forget – but right then, that night before my first day at work …," she sighed thoughtfully. "I don't know, I saw you … the __real__ you … and thought for a split-second that I wanted to lose myself in your sadness, because you were so sad Derek … weren't you? And I just wanted to feel … __something__," she sighed with a knowing smile; the wells of eyes filled to the brink with unshed tears. _

_Derek tipped his head up and reached for her. "Shh …," he soothed, caressing her back, his fingertips moving up and down her arrow-straight spine. He felt her warm tears roll onto his clavicle where they pooled. "You were sad too, I remember, I swear …you were upset about something, to the naked eye … I might not have known …," he mused thoughtfully, maybe he did see more of her than he thought. "And then … after a while, I could see it … the depth of your sadness … and I felt …connected," he sighed heavily into her heat. _

"_We were loners and I get it … the loner thing, the need for connection thing … I kind felt disconnected for a long time …my mother … she was never around … and neither was my father," she admitted softly. _

"_You had a terrible childhood," he declared thoughtfully, rocking her lithe frame in his arms, thinking now that he might never let her go. _

"_Yeah … I did," she admitted, submitting ever so slightly to his hold on her. _

"_Want to talk about it?" he asked softly. _

"_Is it okay if I don't?" she countered, still lying inside his embrace. _

"_Yeah … sure," he replied, giving her a tiny squeeze of encouragement now. _

_And then he took a deep breath, because he really wanted to know – he naturally wanted to be there for her in the sense of being in a relationship with her – he wanted to know everything about her – this woman, this force of nature – who held his faith in the palms of her healing hands. He wanted to know her. And he wanted her to know him. _

"_Derek?" she asked after a minute, pulling back she found his eyes. He smiled and held her inside the moment, staring at her without ever blinking. "I'm glad you were like a mirror that night," she stated evenly._

"_Me too," he agreed, because they really were, reflections of one another. _

###

Derek blinked and let his mind rest on the facts of their initial meeting, the chapel seemed smaller now as he reset his eyes and let them wander around the dim space of seclusion – _his heart bleeding out now with a slow, slow leak, ticking like a time bomb_ – Meredith, images of her rosy, post-coital cheeks stained his mind as they fell away and were replaced by the icy, cold and lonely way she was the last time he saw her – _those moments he loved _– those minutes they cherished of connectivity they both needed and wanted … the mirror they saw in one another was suddenly … broken … gone … but not forgotten.

Definitely not forgotten, because even when they weren't together, they remained reflections to one another – _and had been for a long while now_ – because there were tiny, fragmented moments that belonged just to them, for there could have been a room full of people and he could have shared a private moment with Meredith wherein they would silently connect. All he had to do was just look at her and meet her knowing gaze _and without blinking,_ he would find the clarity he needed or she would allay his sadness or fears without ever saying a word … and he hoped he did that for her too.

He blinked and then he waited, waited for the reality of their situation to rekindle itself … _wait, wait … there was the pain … pinch, pinch_ … he wanted to go back, back to the pain that Meredith helped him manage, the pain that drew her near from the very start. The chapel swallowed him whole then and he could barely breathe. His head spun off axis and more tears fell while he tried again to come to terms with his heartache, _'please, please, please'_ he cried from that deep, special place. He blinked and then he waited and then he cringed.

He felt the weight of his crimes, all of them, a chokehold of regret claimed him; arresting his heart as he lingered once again on their sorted past – _for he wished he would have known about the extent of her suffering, about the trials of her childhood abandonment_ – for God's sake he wished he had figured it out! He wished he had his fucking eyes open because there had been plenty of clues for him to see that things for her in her life had been subpar – _plenty of clues, Cruz, Levangie_ – but he would never have seen them, even with all the staring, he would have missed them with a blink of an eye.

_Because he was so deeply embedded with anger over what had happened to his marriage that he couldn't see straight. _

_Because he was besieged by guilt over this thing he shared with her … this tie … this bind that all of a sudden he couldn't envision his life without. _

_Because he was hopeless when it came to her power hold over him and therein she became his elixir … his panacea … his miracle drug of choice._

Yes, there were plenty of clues – _plenty of emotional outpourings for patients of theirs_ – relative strangers who added depth to her character for him _– patients like Levangie and Cruz_ – these two men, what they should have told him about Meredith would have served him well, for he would have fully understood her true need to state her case, that the potential for them to lose what was left of their mental status' was utterly heartbreaking to her – _given her mother's condition _– she had to fight to be heard and he only wished he knew then what he'd eventually learned about Ellis Grey … the mother … the surgeon … and her condition.

His mind went wild, insurmountable regret covered him like a cloak. He knew everything he needed to know now – _he knew Meredith had been slipping through his fingers since her mother's lucid day _– this gift of time that was bestowed on her and wasted by Ellis's cruel rant to the daughter who, in her eyes, would never be good enough. And therein, his heart broke – _how could it be that the woman who saved him time and time again _– was not good enough? Meredith was enough – _he knew this now _– for she would always be enough … for him.

"_Oh, my mother's not dead."_

And she still wasn't, anger boiled, steaming in his gut – _no, she wasn't and with that realization _– Derek stood swiftly, his knees weak, his heart beating in his ears. He righted himself and turned out of the pew – _he didn't need the solace of this precious enclave to protect him, nor did he deserve it_ – but as he found himself exiting the chapel, the light from the world outside spilling inside as he stepped into that light to move forward in hid quest to find his faith – _he blinked and for once he didn't wait_ – he let door close behind him and set off to a more appropriate place to wait and pray and pray and wait for his woman.

He took a cleansing breath of the recycled air and willed himself to have the strength he would need to visit Ellis Grey – _to find compassion for this woman who had managed to tip his world on its side when she called her daughter 'ordinary'_ – this same woman who gave up her right to mother Meredith long before her mind gave up on her. And so as he moved down the brightly lit corridor en route to her room, he had but one thing on his mind: _setting the record straight._

"_It was my mother's house. I'm selling it."_

"_Oh, I'm sorry,"_

"_For what?"_

"_You said 'was'."_

"_Oh, my mother's not dead."_

**Miracle Drug – Part 3 to follow. **


	3. Part 3, 'You're a beautiful swimmer,'

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: So, again thanks to the few of you who have taken the time to tell me what you think. I truly hope more readers will open up with me. Thank you also to "dusko" who submitted an anonymous review (I like to reply to readers, but can't with anonymous comments, so thank you!).**

**So please, if you read the last lines of this part … and have something on your mind … hit the review button and let me know about it, I'm really trying here and would love some more feedback. Thanks … and this note here: disclaims the erotica found within. **

**Miracle Drug – Part 3 – "You're a beautiful swimmer ...,"**

"_You're what happened to her."_

Derek meandered down the familiar hallways though he felt like he was stuck inside some kind of twisted alternative universe – _for most of the time when he walked within the walls of Seattle Grace it was with great purpose_ – he was a man of action … a busy man, someone who saved lives – _'I don't need rescuing' _– came Meredith's earlier plea, her words banging around in his head now on auto replay, illuminating his mistakes.

He shook his head, beating himself up now – _for her mother said things, awful, hurtful things_ – something he should have done more to combat, he should have told her how much he needed her and loved her no matter what – _she wasn't the one who needed rescuing, that much was true_ – but she did _need _him and there again he wasn't there for her. Not in the way that she really needed him to be.

He should have done more, he knew this now as he stopped in front of the OR Board to check on Jane Wilson – _he should have been there, in her face this morning – _he should have taken the day off and taken her away from everything that was so ugly in her life, just like she had done for him, weeks ago, so why, he wondered now, why didn't he do the same for her?

"_An attending? A neurosurgeon? No wonder she's so unfocused!"_

He found Jane's name; she was in recovery. Thank God, she was in recovery _– he closed his eyes and tears cascaded down his saturated cheeks, his heart mending just a little bit, relief consumed him, stitch, stitch, stitch_ – Tom was spared, Jane was in recovery. Recovery … recovery for Meredith Grey could be his last hope … his last hope for some kind of realized medical miracle.

_Recovery, his heart halted and his blood ran cold … 'if only, if only', his heart went nuts, 'please, please', he pleaded. _

'_What if, what if, what if'_, he chanted _– more bile rose from his gut, his heart split open – 'what if'_, his lifeline squeezed low and deep and he was unable to stop himself now from going to that dark place – _the place of life without Meredith_ – he swallowed the bile that collected in his throat and turned away from the OR Board … black and white, with no shades of '_Grey'; _he proceeded en route to Ellis' room –_ with_ _his legs like rubber bands, he willed himself to get there in one piece_ – he seethed – _'what if, what if'_– unstoppable anger boiled to the surface now as he rounded the corner and stood just outside her doorway.

"_I've seen men like you before."_

Struggling to breathe, his eyes burned as he stared at Ellis Grey, she looked anything like the brilliant mind she once was, once sharp as a tack – _her lucidity now muted around the edges _– shrouded by the perpetual blue wash of the fluorescent lights. His heart sank as he took a hesitant step inside her space – _somehow afraid to upset his karmic balance_ – he wondered, was this a betrayal to Meredith, to be _here_ while she faced her darkest hours?

_He had none of the right answers – he was lost – so he stepped further into his abyss of despair and stared at her until her form became blurred, he was helpless … still stuck … still stymied, her caustic energy consuming him as he seethed in silence – angry at himself and enraged at her too – for she was an ugly paradox: both his nemesis and his accomplice. _

He shivered, from where he stood the room was cold, devoid life – _he took a deep breath, trying to come to terms with his faith and why he felt so angry and betrayed _– the air was clinical, sterile and cold. He shuffled to the foot of the bed and kept his eyes locked on her sleeping form; she was frail, old … her mind degenerate; she was in relative peace here. But he didn't see any of that – _instead he just saw a woman who betrayed her daughter_ – he saw her cruelty and therein his heart broke for Meredith.

Meredith. His soul shimmied; a dull ache squeezed his heart. Ellis became blurred around the edges; further succumbing to his mental picture of her … she was long gone.

He stepped forward and then halted – _thinking twice now about waking her up_ – knowing that she wouldn't be able to comprehend anything he might tell her about Meredith in the here and now. Meredith … was she here now? He dared himself to ponder. His heart sank akin to an anchor beleaguered by the heavy weight of his mistakes … and her mother's too.

"_Men, t__hreatened by a woman that's their equal." _

Turning away from her bed, he snapped his PDA from his hip and checked the settings before he sat down on the sofa there. He sighed heavily and watched Ellis sleep for a moment longer before he pulled the chain on the reading lamp and let the small enclave of darkness shield him from ugly all around him. And so there he sat – _quite literally in the dark, for he had no answers, no news on Meredith's condition_ – he had nothing to go on, but everything to look back on and critique.

For knowing everything he did know about Meredith and how she felt about him as of late – _and how much time they believed they had with one another, perhaps even 'forever'_ – it was hard believe that she was testing his faith with such tenacity at this juncture.

"_You just want someone to admire you."_

His heart trembled on the facts now, for she _was_ broken and her mother had done insurmountable damage to her – _and he understood now that she was fragmented long before he met her and that her mother's recent words brought her to a screeching halt in her quest to trust him and rid herself of her lingering abandonment issues – _and therein his heart broke too and he silently wept for the child she once was, for she really was a mess and he was partly to blame.

He looked down and toggled his PDA once again – _his hand vibrated, shaking now, reminiscent of Burke's tremor_ – his thoughts instantly went back to a cherished moment in time a few weeks ago and he smiled briefly, grasping a hold of this faint glimmer of a seemingly more happy time before he swiftly let it go, pushing it away now with great haste– _for the memory was so rich … and so solidifying … and still so new and now, so painful_ – it hurt to ponder how drastically things had changed … all within a blink of an eye.

"_And you don't care about the damage you do to her along the way."_

###

_Derek sighed and rolled over, his heart banging around in his chest – he pulled Meredith to him and burrowed deeper into their post coital heat – he couldn't get enough of her, his lips found her neck, his tired cock rested against her tush, he was sated and for the first time in months, he relaxed, allowing his eyes to dip shut now as he pulsed his mouth upwards to the underside of her ear there, giving her tiny kisses until he reached her fleshy lobe where he nipped and sucked, breathing in the warm wafts of her sensual heat as he did._

_Untamed fatigue washed over him in waves then and he felt the stresses of his life ebb away, slowly, slowly, slowly … he put them on a high shelf, dutifully reserved for some other time of reflection, because right here at this very moment, all he wanted to do was live in the moment and hold Meredith and know in his heart that had they made it to the other side of all the angst they had gone through, both together and apart from one another. _

_It was enough now to know … they had survived … and had found each other again. It was enough for now to know that the way Meredith made him feel – completely tipped to the side – was starting to become the norm and therein, he realized that he had become a more precise version of himself in the process. He took a deep breath, silently counting his blessings now as the clock ticked forward and his woman grew heavier in his arms; he kissed her shoulder and let himself succumb to the deluge of fatigue. They needed rest … they needed this time together, after everything … they deserved these next fifteen hours. _

"_Thank you … for this gift … it is exactly what I needed," he whispered into the space between them where everything was intensely quiet save for their still raging heartbeats. "Exactly what we needed," he mused with a small reflective smile as he drew her near. _

_Meredith untangled herself from his hold and rolled inside his arms, weaving her body through his again before she wasted no time and he kissed him fully, soft and quick, pulse, pulse. Derek pulled her closer, her body resting against his, her full breasts trapped between them, the damp heat of her sex pulsing against his hipbone; his cock stirred reflexively. He kissed her and pulled back, his eyes moving back and forth along her flushed cheeks, awestruck still by what their lovemaking did to her beauty. _

_She smiled and cradled his skull in her healing hands, moving her fingertips through his wild locks. "It is, I wanted this … time together, just us," she replied softly, her eyes glistening inside the dim enclave of their sacred space. She kissed his lips, soft and quick before she ran her fingertips along his hairline, then down to the angular plane of his cheeks. She smiled and tears welled in her sea green eyes. "You're exhausted," she declared softly. _

_Derek smiled. "I am … it's been a long … few months," he sighed. _

"_Hmm, it has," she agreed with a reflective smile. She shook her head, a lone tear popped free and traveled down her face. Derek reached up and brushed it away._

"_Kiss me," he sighed, drawing her near. _

_And then she did – she kissed him, rolling on top of him, she drew her knees up and held him, covering his body with hers, her hands in his hair, her lips on his neck and shoulders, his hands low on her tush, then up and down the soft skin of her back – his cock nestled between, twitching in response to her ministrations – she pulled back, a slight pant escaping from her lips now as she did. She leaned up and smiled, peering down at him for a beat before she hovered over him and pressed her forehead to his. _

"_You're an excellent kisser," she surmised softly, leaning on her hands, she ducked down and kissed him again, her puckered nipples cutting across his chest as she moved._

"_Hmm, so are you …," he replied, cradling her closer, kissing her swollen pink lips while she moved to situate herself along side of him._

_Once there, she rested her head over his heart, swirling her fingertips along his naked chest as she too relaxed and perhaps let some of her pain and suffering go. He held her tighter on that thought, 'let it go', he chanted silently, speaking to himself just as much as to her, for it was no secret, the pain he had caused her, the anguish and heartache … his poor decisions, time and time again, his lack of regard for her, despite his undeterred love for her. _

_He sighed into her heat and let himself go, the clock ticked forward, but he paid it no mind, because they finally had time – quantified time, together – their relationship was out in the open. There were no secrets (wives or siblings or feelings), no choices to be made, no bones of contention with Addison or Mark … it was true and he finally let himself believe it too … there was nothing holding them back, no space between them now._

_And with the last bit of heartache and betrayal gone – Burke's tremor and subsequent condition – having improved enough to predicate his discharge, Meredith put her plan into action, saying something about 'only living once'. Resulting in their arrival here, mere hours ago – gratefully holed up in the penthouse suite at The Archfield – a 'theycation' as she termed it … the blessing of eighteen hours of uninterrupted time together. _

_Time. It was all they needed. Time together. It was a gift. _

_He smiled and ran his fingertips along her spine, relaxing his mind now moved his fingertips up and down her back, counting the vertebrae of her spine by rote. He felt Meredith slip under, her body heavy with sleep and only then did he take a moment to take in their surroundings – earthy tones, sleek, art-deco furniture, mahogany and cherry woods – and just outside the master suite sat two large sitting rooms, a mini-kitchen and a full bar and a private, indoor plunge pool, heated of course. _

_It was true, what Meredith said when they first set foot inside the enclave a little over three hours ago, they could 'get lost in here', and now, he could only hope they would – loose themselves in one another – just how he had dreamed of for so long already, hidden inside the deep corner of his mind eye. He closed his eyes then and let his clandestine dream become his reality – he let it all go – for now._

_###_

_Derek awoke hours later, the room dim with early evening light, the California King bed suddenly much larger and colder without Meredith in it. His heart sank and he wondered, as he sometimes did, if she had second thoughts about giving him yet another chance to make things right – he scanned the luxurious perimeter of their space – his eyes darting to the bathroom door, ajar, but only dark inside. _

_He sighed and swiftly got up, not bothering to slip anything on as he exited the bedroom and stepped into the dimly lit suite. He scanned the space and finally noticed the door to the solarium was open and headed that way, his feet sinking into the plush carpeting as he did. He peeked just inside the doorway, his eyes met with a small portion of the city skyline and an expansive view of the Elliott Bay through the large, tinted window wall that ran along the outer perimeter of the space. He stopped for a beat and watched the ferryboat lights twinkle against the dark and dirty bay water where everything looked warm and peaceful from his high perch._

_Sighing inside, he crossed over the threshold – the air inside the solarium was warm and thick and humid and smelled of chlorine and salt and earth – he closed the door behind him and stood still, basking in the sight before him: Meredith swimming in the nude, his woman – the love of his life, his angel, his breath of fresh air – alone, swimming in the dimly lit, foggy space where warm steam rose from the water. Yes, this was definitely an alternate universe of sorts._

_He sat down in a deep lounge chair, her towels and a bottle of cold water situated there to his left. The edge of the pool was a couple of feet away and he could have easily dived in to join her, but he stayed put instead, quite mesmerized by her precision – her beautiful form as she swam the breast stroke with relative ease, she was a good swimmer, a gorgeous swimmer – wherein suddenly she was transformed into some kind healing remedy for him, his savior once again, the curator of his hope – for suddenly it was enough to see she had survived everything they had been through both together and apart from one another to arrive right here, right now._

_A broad smile formed along his face then as a sense of relief consumed him, because time had indeed moved them closer together and the clock had moved him forward from all the stress he'd harbored and finally left him here: ready, willing and fortunate enough to learn something new about his lover._

_To be privy to her natural intensity … _

_To watch her loose herself in her task …_

_To finally see her at peace … _

_With his small, steady smile, Derek trained his eyes on her as she propelled herself back and forth along the alleyway of the pool, the sound of the moving water … her strokes … her precision … her harmony … all lulling him to a more peaceful, serene state of mind now too. _

_His eyes dipped shut before he opened them again – wondering what was on her mind and when was the last time she had time to herself to swim like this – he titled his head thoughtfully as she approached his end of the pool again. She turned and set out for another lap, her legs kicking with a perfect rhythm, the globes of her firm tush peeking out of the water, her strong arms moving within her internal melody – the perfect line of her spine, arrow straight and steady – her pace slowing now as she approached the opposite end of the pool where she promptly stopped._

_With her back facing him, she held on to the edge of the pool and he watched her crane her neck up to peek at the overhead clock there, perhaps timing herself … or just checking on the hour. The clock ticked forward but they remained still. His eyes on the clock now too … time moved forward … there no time like the present._

_He wondered what was on her mind again, but didn't want to interrupt her private moment so he sat back and smiled and marveled at the way the light fell on her shoulders, accentuating her regal neck, both long and perfect for kissing. He shifted on his seat with the realization that this was how he first found her at Joe's that night – and he knew now that everything about her that intrigued him enough to rise from his seat at the back of the bar and approach her – was still there._

_For Meredith Grey was gorgeous woman and he was still more than captivated and mesmerized by her – even from this vantage point, even without her soul-filled eyes staring back at him – she still drew him in and even now, even after everything … all took was a split-second._

_And within her gift for perfect timing, she turned around and found him there. _

_He smiled and watched her tread water, her buoyant breasts moving freely in the current of her own making, her dark, perfect nipples peeking out just above the water's edge – she smiled coyly, looking an awful lot like she did that fateful night, more youthful with her cheeks flushed and that sassy, adorable, smile upon her face – she really did look more carefree than he'd seen her in a long while. For it was no secret what their separation did to her – and with that emotional tightrope he left them upon coupled with the intensity of being a surgical intern – Derek spent most of the time he wasn't longing for Meredith, worrying himself sick about her. _

_But in the end, she had survived. And so had he. She was a survivor, the glue that kept them together while his backbone was cracked wide open … she held herself steady – and all he could see was her tenacity – the true essence of what made her tick, and therein, he wanted her … in every way possible … for always and forever._

_She swam closer and stopped about midway. "Come in with me," she smirked, calling out to him as she tread water, her evergreen eyes sparkling with mischief albeit the dim, filtered light. _

"_Why don't you come back to bed with me?" he sparred, his hand found his cock and he stroked himself, once, twice, twisting his wrist, his fist moving around his shaft. _

_He watched her eyes dart down to his crotch, he stroked again and raised his brow, his muscle pulse while he lost himself in calm sea of her steadfast gaze – she tread water still, maintaining her position – tightening her grip on the invisible line of gunpowder that was stretched between them, pull, pull, pull._

"_Why don't we live a little," she teased, her legs still working. She smiled and took a deep breath. "Come … out here," she sparred with a wry grin._

"_So it's sink or swim time …," he wondered aloud as he stood up. _

"_Something dirtier than that," she quipped, her legs moving even faster now. "I want you … and I'm … all wet for you," she sassed; her raucous giggle twirling into the thick air while her legs kicked and kicked underneath the surface. _

_With that, Derek conceded and dove into the pool without another coherent thought, moving hard and fast now to get to his woman – more than ready to drown himself in what was sure to be the tenacity of her soaking wet heat – his cock woke up, the current of the warm water caressing him as his muscle lengthened and grew harder with every stroke he made – he picked up his speed, moving faster and even faster still until he was upon her, moving close enough to encircle her in his arms and kiss her heart-shaped lips._

"_Hmm … you're a beautiful swimmer," he husked, treading water now while she wrapped her legs around his trim waste, his cock trapped between them._

"_I bet you say that to all the girls," Meredith panted against his lips, swallowing his chuckle as she kissed him senseless. _

_Derek relished in their connectivity and held her lighthearted weight in his arms as she succumb to his hold on her, tightening her legs around him with ownership now, their mouths instantly locked with their hot bodies pressed together as he managed to swim his way to more shallow water, off and to the right side of the pool – now eye level with the Seattle skyline of twinkling lights; the sun having set – the sky was already a darker shade of gray. He came to a stop and stood on both feet, grounding himself as he made sweet love to his woman's sensual lips and tongue, breathing through his nose and into the depths of her warm mouth as he did. _

"_I want you," Meredith intimated breathlessly, pulling back slightly, she pressed her forehead to his, revealing a new staggering intensity to her eyes. "Slow … slow, Derek …we're alone … and we aren't hiding anymore," she sighed, plucking his lips with hers, the urgency of her kiss matching the urgency within him, tenfold. _

"_Slow … I like the idea of slow … you know I like it slow … with you," Derek flirted between the rounds of her searing kisses. "Hmm, I feel like we have all the time in the world up here," he whispered, dragging his hot mouth from her lips … to her cheek … to her ear where he sucked wildly on her fleshy lobe. _

_The water circulated around them, taking his lead from the natural ebb and flow, Derek swayed with the current – the warmer water trapped between their bodies, now hot like a whirlpool bath – jets of heated energy pinging between them while he cock stood at attention, bobbing against Meredith's tush as she held on tight, suppressing the untamed heat that radiated from her core, her pussy pulsing against his taut abdomen. _

"_We do … we have time, time that finally belongs to us," she whispered hotly, her eyes meeting his where they stayed. She blinked and a tiny set of tears fell upon her cheeks. She reached up and ran her fingertips along his hairline; a small beautiful smile formed along her face. "And … I'm … going to try Derek … I really am," she offered softly as she stared at him. _

"_Try …," he prompted with a handsome smile, his intense eyes, soft around the edges, "Meredith … talk," he sighed, rocking her back and forth, once again basking in this last chance to make things right with her. _

"_To believe you … to believe __in__ you …and what you say to me," she breathed; her eyes locked on his; she smiled and leaned forward, brushing her swollen lips against his. "Hmm … because I know … I really wasn't wrong about you," she declared with a triumphant smile; kiss, kiss, _

_Derek broke away; he found her eyes in the dark. "You weren't …," he clarified evenly, sucking in a deep breathe of their air before pulsing his lips against hers, pulse, pulse. _

"_No," she breathed as they stared at one another without blinking. "My feelings haven't changed…," she confessed as she pressed her lips together; her eyes vacillating with uncertainty._

"_Hmm …," he smiled, his heart full of hope for the first time since they had reunited; her eyes were shining now, full of light … and love as she fastened them to his … for good. _

"_I still love you," she whispered, her emotional outpouring instantly absorbed into their heat as he bent his knees and dipped her into the warm water with him – cleansing them, washing away the debris of their beginning – her arms around his neck now, her legs still around his waist. _

"_And I love you … so much," he answered with surety before closing his mouth over hers. _

_And there they stayed for a long while – their heads above water – their mouths mating and their hearts beating in tandem … finally alone … finally together … where time truly belonged to them. _

"_God, you feel so good," Meredith husked, releasing her legs now as she stood on the tip of her toes. Colder water funneled between them briefly before Derek drew her near, his relentless cock brushing against her abdomen; she reached down and fisted his muscle. "I need you," she cooed, pushing him against the side of the pool, the skyline behind them as he leaned back, flexing his hips up while she stepped between his feet and massaged his cock, feral need raged through his body._

"_Meredith," he sighed thickly, his head dropping forward, his lips found the dewy flesh of her shoulder where they stayed. "Hmm, fuck," he cursed, his thumbs found her nipples and he mercilessly teased her now – ducking down, he sucked one into his warm mouth – playing with her nub of nerves until he felt her shake under his touch; her breathing labored. _

"_I'm … oh … hmm," she moaned, maintaining her hold on him with one hand while she braced herself on the ledge behind him with the other._

_Derek listened to her moan, vibrations of her arousal against his lips, still pursed around her nipple now as he began to massage her hot seam with his index finger, breaching her folds, he turned his wrist and massaged her g-spot, her muscles contracting as he rhythmically stroked the spongy tissue, her sex was slick and abundant and he couldn't get enough of what he did to her – rotating his finger again, he sank deeper into her depths – quickly pulsing in and out until he once again found a slow, easy tempo. _

"_Jesus, you're hot …," he husked against her breast before he raised his head and claimed her mouth as his own, all the while her delicate muscles seized his finger akin to a vise._

"_Hmm … so close," she husked, bucking her hips up to meet his slow, even strokes. "I … never stopped …loving you," she breathed, her pride somehow dismantled under their protective canopy of solitude. She held onto him now, staking her claim, matching her tempo with his; up and down she went though he knew she would need more before long, just as he would. _

_Cradling her tush with one hand, he brought her closer to him before he removed his finger from her pussy and focused his attention on her clit, round and round he went, gently brushing the swollen nerves until he quickly dipped his finger back into her depths and removed it, using the abundance of her slick sex to lubricate his ministrations – her appreciative moan echoing in the private space, her calls hanging in the thick steam that rose from the wild water all around them – until she finally gasped, her body shuddering now as she clenched around his finger with her tenacious muscles; pulsing systematically … she was so … close. _

"_Derek …," she sighed, seconds away from her climax. "Hmm … even when I hated you … I still …," she husked breathlessly, trying to finish her confession._

_Pulling back he easily found the darkened intensity of her eyes; she raised her legs and reached down with one hand where she grasped a hold of his feral muscle and began to run his sensitive head up and down her hot, plump seam. _

"_Loved me," he husked thickly as he pulsed his cock up, slowly breaching her searing folds, entering her inner sanctuary … her cherished womanhood … up, up he gently pulsed, parting her pliant flesh as she lowered herself upon him, inviting him inside. _

"_Hmm … I did … hmm, Derek," Meredith gasped, attaching her lips to his, smothering him with kisses. "So close already …," she said into the heat of his mouth, the tip of her tongue dancing with his, their kiss and their sex union working in harmony, fueling one another … more, more … they just needed … more. _

"_Me too …," he sighed, but could say no more as the bliss of his orgasm began to take him, his spirit moving into the driver's seat as his mind went to another plane entirely. _

_This plane of space and time he had often dreamt of, this plane upon in which he allowed himself to believe that this thing they had was real and that they indeed had crossed over to the other side of all the angst and heartache and … betrayals._

_His eyes burned on Meredith's truths now, stinging him with their reality – for he finally allowed himself to believe they had made it – she loved him … she still loved him … she had loved him all along … and with that admission, all he could do was cherish the moment and he did that now as he made slow, tender love his woman – deepening his pulses, decelerating for longevity … for meaning … for the love he had suppressed with lock and key for so long already – yes, he cradled her now and found her faceted eyes in the amidst the splashes of water, fastening his to hers and he pulsed up, up, up until he began to feel them breathe together … until their hearts beat in tandem. _

_Swaying her in his arms – Derek felt her muscles claim him, his cock twitching in response as he lengthened inside of her depths and felt her sanctuary stretch to accommodate him – she bucked her hips up and back, pressing her clit against his pelvic bone wherein he knew … she wanted and needed more of him and from him and with him now as she slipped her hand between them and began to caress her clit, adding pressure where she needed it most. _

_Ducking his head down, Derek took the moving target of her ripe nipple into his mouth where he began to flick her nerves – suck, flick, flick, bite, bite, flick, flick, flick – he feasted, pulsing deeper and deeper, slower and slower as he fucked her senseless in the way that he knew she craved him: in the same way he craved her. His hungry need to make her cum all over him overpowering any coherent thought now as his hormonal surges consumed him, igniting the initial spark of his orgasm. He felt her systematic clenching begin … she was cumming, hard and fast … for him and around him._

"_Derek …," Meredith's breathless whine ricocheted between them. She slipped her hand free and moved to hold on tight, her legs still wrapped around his torso, her arms around his neck akin to a life vest now while the current went wild; Derek felt those last pulses rock them into oblivion._

"_Oh God … so good," he growled, her muscles clenching around his twitching cock now, her mouth attached to his again as he released his seed, his hot sex filling her cavern as he pulsed, slow and easy and deep inside the divine pleasure of her pulsing vaginal walls. _

_And then, just like that – everything was quiet, everything was just as it should be – they were safe and sound and wrapped around one another … alone, but together, swaying and calming one another somewhere far away from the coastline where the sea was serene and peaceful – someplace where they panted and kissed without a care in the world; the water all around them as glassy as a still lake now, finally eye to eye … finally alone, but really together … basking in the slow current of their energy, the twinkling lights of the beautiful city and the Elliott Bay; their backdrop._

_Drowning in her breathless sighs, Derek rocked his woman in the gentle current, turning her around and around – the thick steam still lifting off of the water, twirling up and into the cooler, nighttime air – his flaccid cock slipping into the cool water from her hot confines; her grip around his waist tightening in response. He lulled and comforted her now; turning her around again as she held on tight and became heavier, perhaps longing for connectivity … just like he._

"_Meredith?" he whispered into the heat of her neck, rousing her awake. _

"_Hmm …," she mumbled, pulsing her lips to his shoulder, pressing her body to his; a perfect fit._

"_You were never just a fling," he breathed, pulling back; he found her sparkling eyes in the dark. "I know I've said that before … but … I loved you too, you know," he mused thoughtfully; she released the clasp of her feet and came to stand in front of him. "I fell in love with you, hard and fast …," he admitted again with quiet reflection._

_Meredith stepped in between his feet and flanked his skull in her hands. "And …," she prompted, a mischievous grin set upon her face; she kissed him, soft and quick, just like their habit dictated._

"_And … I meant what I said … it feels like it's been forever … nothing ever changed for me," he sighed, brushing his lips against hers, both swollen and sweet._

"_We fell in love," she declared softly, though he could feel her tremble in his arms at the purity of her statement. _

"_We did," he agreed, a fresh wave of relief washing over him now as he stared into her depths and willed her to believe in this historical fact. He blinked and she was still there, cradled inside the envelope of his arms. His heart gave out – she was still there – still with him. He shook his head in wonder. "I'll always regret how I betrayed you and my feelings …," he admitted, his hands moving up and down the smooth plane of her back, dipping in and out of the warm water._

"_Me too," she breathed, pressing her body to his; she was warm; her cheeks were pink with passion. She blinked and then kissed his lips. "No more betrayals ... no more Derek," she pleaded inside their confessional. Tears popped from her eyes, hot and salty. He kissed them away. "We can't afford them … we don't have time now …," she suspired reverently._

###

'_We don't have time now'_, he reluctantly pried his eyes open, his reality came into focus, _'We can't afford them'_, her words rang around his head like an alarm – _not that there was anything ominous about her statements then, quite the contrary _– but to remember now; it was heartbreaking … she was in love and she knew he loved her … so then _why, why, she could swim, she was a gorgeous swimmer!_

But … the reality was, his true reality was that he couldn't bring himself to fathom the unfathomable – _especially from Meredith_ – for she was a survivor. He swallowed hard, bile on the rise again, this time unleashed from the depths of his gut, it flooded his mouth before he had a chance to suppress it: _warm, acidic, foul, rotten._

_Tears stung his eyes as he forced himself to focus on Ellis' sleeping form – he wanted to scream, misguided anger boiled to the surface, he clutched his lifeline tightly and brought it up to eye level – nothing, no news, nothing! His heart rocked and new layer of fever pricked his skin; he felt like he could just evaporate, disappear, disintegrate as if there wasn't anything holding him together anymore! 'Breathe, pray, breathe, Meredith, why, why, why, pray Derek, pray!'_

_With his elbows perched on his knees, he grounded himself, losing sight of Ellis; he deliberated; he had to know why, what had he done, what should he have done differently – she loved him, she loved him even when she hated him – they were on a straight path, one devoid of betrayals and secrets and second-guesses, they were destined to be whole and healed while cradled safely in one another's arms!_

_Then why? How? Why? Why now?_

_And so with his questions still unanswered, now at their eleventh hour together (though alone) – Derek dared himself to live it for both of them – he dared himself to get to the heart of the matter and therein he let his mind go in his quest for answers, finally letting his mind sink into the problem: what had happened out there that threw her off of their straight path so forcefully that she couldn't swim back to him … or to them? _

His broken heart shook then as he pressed his hands over his eyes briefly, tears welled and splashed along his cheeks – _salty, hot_ – he swiftly wiped them away and took a staggering deep breath, willing the bile in his throat to recede, _down, down, down_ he swallowed hard now as he wiped his hands on his thighs – _clarity, he needed clarity, their circumstances were changing him, changing who he was – _and he had no recourse, no one to turn to!

_He needed Meredith! Things had been better, so much better … so what … happened? How did he lose her? Why did he lose control and let it get this far out of hand? He loved her; his heart gave out. He loved her. More tears came and he wiped them away, his eyes fell on Ellis again – 'she has ways' – came Meredith's voice … and then his blood ran cold – 'you're what happened to her' – came his cold-hearted answer. _

Derek swallowed hard and replayed their words now, really listening now to all that Meredith had to say since her mother's lucidity had come and gone, for what she kept with her was indelible, he knew that now – _for much like the force of nature Ellis was _– when she came to, her powerful words crashed at the shoreline of their lives, marring their happiness – _leaving little more than her misery in her wake_ – the debris: _her reckless cruelty_.

"_I told her about you."_

"_She was angry."_

"_I told her about us."_

"_She didn't understand."_

"_I told her I believe in you and me."_

"_She said I was uninspired."_

"_I told her I believe in love."_

"_She said __anyone__ can fall in love."_

"_I told her how happy I am."_

"_She wondered what happened to me."_

"_I told her we were happy together."_

"_She called me ordinary."_

Derek blinked hard, once again suppressing his mental image of Meredith when he first found her … _blue, cold, gone._

He touched his lips, a trigger response to the ghost of her still, lifeless mouth upon his as he worked to resuscitate her, his heart in shambles now and he was to blame – _he could have done something, he should have done something more_ – he should have done a lot of things differently when it came to Meredith Grey … he should have had faith in her – _faith in the way that he asked her to give him once a long time ago, faith that she gave to him when she succumb to her feelings for him, despite her fears _– unyielding faith that he decided to gather now in this eleventh hour of theirs in an effort to save them both. He finally prayed.

'_God forgive me, for I have lost my way …I'm lost, we're lost, for I am not the only one … but I am …lost and so is my faith … in myself and you … but … please, I beg of you now … to spare her. _

_Spare her of this wrath made from my indiscretions, from my willingness to accept less from myself, from my self-centeredness and single-mindedness … and my absenteeism._

_Spare her; please help her survive … should you bestow no greater gift upon me and this world in which we live … … if not for me, then for her. _

_For she is everything but ordinary, she is more than extraordinary and if you allow her submission to go to that dark place, she will never know or realize her potential._

_Tread lightly, for she is a force, a force of your own creation and she deserves what she has so generously given me … a second chance, a chance to live again in the here and now._

_I ask not that you will this to happen for me, for I am the one who has lost my way, lost my faith … so I ask instead on her behalf, I ask that you will this to be for her, so that she may finally be found._

_Forgive me God, for my loss of faith, in you and in myself … but I know now that I have no one else to turn to, I am desperate … I am … but you … you are compassionate. _

_And within my own compass of compassion, I ask you now to aid her in her survival because loving her only to loose her, it's just too much for me … too much weight on my head and in my heart._

_And I know, I know this isn't about me … but it is about 'us' … and I cannot envision a life beyond her, for she is the love of my life._

_No … I cannot fathom a life worth living without her spirit, her tenacity, her complexity … her loyalty … without everything that makes her; her._

_I know, I am falling short here, I know this desperate plea may fall of deaf ears … but I also know, that should she survive and be revived … so shall my faith in you … for I will also be found … I will also be revived.'_

Tears rushed down Derek's face, no sign of a levee or a dam now … he was an open drain –_ salt, cold, blue _– now freezing in the dark corner of Ellis' room was all of sudden not private enough – _'God forgive me' _– was all he could chant now as he strained to focus through his bloodshot eyes, losing his hopeful grip on Meredith's survival. He stifled his sobs, afraid to let go … of himself and of her … _'please, please, please'_ … he cried openly, swallowing his heaving breaths, his hands clasped together, his collar stained with his tears, _'please, please, please'_, his bile rising at an alarming rate now … he closed his eyes … darkness came … he was drowning … he was gone.

And therein, everything was suddenly quiet – _save for his soft pleas_ – the darkness swallowed him whole and he breathed, sucking the cold, recycled air deep inside his lungs. He breathed and prayed and lamented and prayed. And then he heard it: _life, movement_.

He opened his eyes then and found Ellis stirring from her sleep state. She turned and found him there; he held her gaze for a moment before he shifted in his seat and considered her, cradling his head in the palm of his hand for a beat. He stared at her, knowing there was a good chance she wouldn't recognize him, he pressed his lips together and tried quell his queasy stomach and racing heart.

"Water, get me some water," she demanded, the relative peace he saw in her while she convalesced all but gone, replaced now by her dark and serious and … ignorant eyes.

"_You're what happened to her."_

**Miracle Drug – Part 4 to follow.**


	4. Part 4, 'Slow, deep breaths,'

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks to those who are willing to give me a chance with this reflective piece, a throwback of pain, no? **

**Thanks for your notes of encouragement, also, thank you '****cahillfive' for your anonymous review! And please, I really would love to hear from you … this piece was hard to write, but I like to think the challenge was worth it. Let me know what you think and feel. THANKS.**

**Miracle Drug – Part 4 – ****"Slow, deep breaths ...,"**

"_I have a feeling."_

Derek blinked hard and flicked his hot tears away from his cheeks before he poured some water for Ellis – _'get me some water'_ – came her harsh, ignorant voice again, his mind wild with hatred for her, even now, even more so now that she was oblivious to all the damage she had inflicted upon her flesh and blood. Bile rose in his throat – _acidic residue clung to his tongue as he bent the straw toward her mouth_ – holding her absent gaze for a half a second before he was drawn to touch her … _physically_. Distraught, he grounded himself as he pushed his hand through her soft auburn hair, stroking her mane, _back, back, back_ until he saw her focus on him … her gray-green eyes, intense, just like her daughter's.

"_I get those."_

Without thinking, he began to lament and within this rant of oblivion, he had no idea what filth spewed from his mouth … his heart … his soul and everything in between. And it was under this pretense that his heart raged on and on and on as his angry words filled the space all around them – _he heard his voice rise in a furious crescendo and it sounded foreign, and strained – _it resonated and somehow came to define him in that moment … _'you broke her'_, he rambled, but whom was he addressing … Ellis … or himself?

"_How's the girl with bomb?"_

Regardless, he let it all go, the guilty party of no consequence now, for he was agitated and she was his target – _and that perfect balance of regret and anger overcame him then and without recourse he unleashed his private hell all over her_ – his anger … his regret …some misplaced … and some, a direct hit to his target. God, he wanted to beat her up just like she had done to Meredith over and over and over … again – _until she was taken to the edge and abandoned there_ – wherein she destined to lose all hope.

"_It's Meredith. The girl with the bomb is Meredith."_

And for a split-second as he stood there and hovered over her, he swore she had a flicker of a lucid moment – _her eyes wide, recognition setting in_ – yes, for the briefest of moments she acknowledged his acts of fury – _'you called her ordinary'_ – he heard himself say, his heart beating inside of his throat – _'this is on you'_ – he shouted where she responded by recoiling back and into her den of blissful oblivion. His head spun … and then it was over.

"_Where? Where is she?"_

###

His heart twisted and he gasped for air and was adrift and completely out of breath by the time Addison had moved him out and into the hallway, just along the cusp of his secluded enclave. The fluorescent lights ablaze, shouting at him_ – reminding him just how real this all was_ – as he focused on her eyes now wherein the peephole at the end of the tunnel of despair became smaller and even smaller still until the distressed light all but swallowed him whole in a way that was so big and so damaging that he could no longer breathe. His heart burned on the truth.

"_It's my fault."_

And as he heaved and began to suffocate, drowning, _down, down, down – no longer a buoyant combatant to the heavy weight of his own guilt_ – Derek forced himself to stare into the choppy sea of Addison's bright blue eyes as he finally let himself go, unleashing his inner turmoil; setting it free – _unloading it upon his wife of eleven years because he knew there was no one else_ – that in this eleventh hour of his (and of Meredith's), both he and Addison were no more than mirrors to each other… both haunted by their mistakes … both tormented by the fallout.

"_I knew what was going on and I wasn't there for her."_

And so he did what he had to do, he focused on the mirror of his unrest and his ultimate responsibility for Meredith's loss of hope – _wherein he finally pleaded guilty, confessing into their private space _– with her piercing blue eyes nothing more than a confessional, watching them grow wider as he spoke, barely able to say aloud what had haunted him since the moment he realized Meredith had slipped through his fingers and into the frigid water of the Elliot Bay akin to a ghost.

"_She knows how to swim. She's a good swimmer."_

And as he stared at her and she at him, he knew this – _he knew that she finally understood that he really did fall in love with Meredith_ – that she wasn't just a fling, for the look in her eyes told him this much as she appealed to him without words. And within those fleeting seconds that followed, all he heard was her honest assessment – _he focused, fastening his dry, tired eyes to hers_ – wherein she steadied his skull in her hands, grounding him all the while doing her best to allay his deepest fears … and then that too, was over … and she was gone – _his archangel in dark blue scrubs_ – off into the great unknown en route to save another restless soul.

"_You don't get to fall apart. "Not when there's still a chance and there still is a chance."_

_###_

Alone once again, Derek pressed his lips together, feeling the warm residual impression of Addison's firm caress upon his tear-stained face as he did. He took a staggering deep breath of the clinical air – _the stringent infusion of antibacterial soap and floor cleanser burned his nostrils and throat_ – he swallowed hard … _'please, please, please' _… he chanted silently, his mind, body and spirit numb now as he grasped a hold of Addison's firm stance: _hope. _

"_I'm not saying this to hurt you or because I want to leave you."_

And so there he stood with his heart squeezing the life right out of him as he tenaciously held onto this last will of hope – _for he was, after all … the last hope, his last hope, Meredith's last hope_ – because Addison was right … there still was a chance – _and sure it was faint, just a glimmer, a very slim chance that his lover would pull through this_ – so he had to cling to that belief, for if he didn't, if he let himself succumb to his guilt and anger, then surely his faith in miracles and medicine would be lost … for good.

"_She wasn't revenge."_

So yes, with his back up against the wall now and no place to run and hide, he had no choice but to believe her … and after everything they had been through together, Derek Shepherd was sure of one thing: _he knew that Addison Montgomery would never have lied to him … not now, not at the eleventh hour … not … ever … again._

"_I fell in love with her."_

The world fell away after a while then and he couldn't say how long he stood there, unable and unwilling to move – _the achiness of rigor mortis having set in already _– he was frayed around the edges, his nerves shot, his body failing him. And no, he didn't want to move, for moving meant time would also move and the clock would tick forward and he would have to blink … and then his circumstances would change – _and he would have to go and get status on Meredith _– and so now the leading question he asked himself was: _did he want one? _

Could he withstand the loss of her as a light force in his life? Could he handle the fact that she might have given up in the water?

His answers, he found with relative ease – _'no, no, no'_ – he screamed quietly from that small place of hers. He shook his head, throwing his spirit mercilessly upon God's altar – _'I can't, I can't, I can't, I don't, I don't, I don't'_ – he heaved, his body trembling while his mind dashed off to another moment in time, an intensely private moment he managed to share with Meredith whilst they were deluged with great suppression and anguish – _a brief encounter that resonated_ – one that he was often reminded of whenever his woman exhibited her calm, quiet fortitude.

"_That doesn't go away because I decided to stay with you."  
_

###

_And it didn't … that deep love – the way he fell in love with Meredith hadn't changed – he knew this now and felt it deep down in that place he saved just for her. Of course, he was constantly reminded of the ties that bound them together inside those small intense moments, usually at arm's length away, that belonged solely to them … but this was different, this moment was somehow solidifying. _

_Because right here, right now – Derek knew he had to come to terms with how he truly felt about her – because somehow, as her breathing became more regulated and the air inside the supply closet became thicker and sweeter and more intimate still, he realized that the rouse would be up soon and that he was no match for her innate prowess over him. _

_And so as he felt her recover and let herself go for a fleeting moment, he did too._

_And when she lowered the paper bag away from her mouth and became even heavier in his arms, instinctively easing herself into the perfect fit of the crook of his neck – they connected – much like they always had … without even trying. And as he held her still, he blinked back those small tears that collected in his eyes and thought to say something encouraging, but instead he kept silent and just enjoyed being the one who got to hold her and calm her and be there for her, because he had missed her so … and he longed to be that person for her._

_For her mother was sick and Meredith was scared and confused and distraught and it broke him that he had also broken her – it broke him to know that her heart was in shambles – and that there wasn't a damn thing he could do to fix it – but he wanted to, God, he wanted to! He would have done anything to make all of her pain and suffering diminish, because he loved her – and he couldn't suppress it, no matter how much he tried – Addison or not, wedding vows or not, forgiveness or not … his heart belonged irrevocably to Meredith Grey. _

_He was pulled from his reverie then as she righted herself – her red-rimmed eyes, still so beautiful and endless, even in the dim light – he inhaled and pressed his lips together, considering her for a beat longer as their invisible fishing line tugged on his heart and pulled him forward of its own free will. _

_He swallowed hard and felt those tears crowd his eyes again as he stared at his former lover, knowing that he had do something to change the outcome of their lives because she was broken and so was he – still no different than they were when they first met – back when it was just the two of them and they were hiding their pain. _

_And he knew this was true now, that they were both stuck inside this thick mass of pain, their tough exteriors starting to crumble as they began to cross the line now – and oh how he wished he could swiftly move over that line and kiss it all away for her – because that was what he was drawn to do, because he loved her and in that moment, as the world had truly fallen away, Derek believed that they belonged to one another. For right there, in that moment – he ached for her proximity and he realized how empty he felt all of the time – and therein, he let himself feel it and own it … because he __created__ the vacuum they lived within when he chose Addison. _

_And certainly now he felt it again, beleaguered by his choices as he pulled back slightly and moved a fallen hair away from her forlorn face instead – he put just enough distance between them – watching her regain the balance of her composure now, smiling weakly as she did, wordlessly letting him know … she was fine. _

"_I'm okay," she whispered as the veil of their intimacy was lowered. _

"_You're okay," he agreed as their safe distance was restored. _

_And then she was gone, disappearing into the bright triangle of light that flooded the closet from the hallway. The door eased back into place and the space became private once again, and only then did Derek Shepherd silently weep inside. _

_For he was alone … he was stuck – held hostage by his own mistakes and indiscretions – and therein he realized he didn't have the will to even stand up. And so as he sat there still, he had one single truth on his mind: that the charade his life had become would be over soon. Because he knew now, without a shadow of doubt, that he couldn't really move … or breathe … or grow … or learn … or … __live__ … without Meredith by his side. _

###

And as Derek once again pondered what life might be like without his woman, this one-night-stand turned love-of-his-life _– his shame spiral was halted by the incessant blare of Ellis Grey's heart monitors_ – turning around, he felt a surge of something _– call it momentum or the oath or his honor_ – for in the end, it didn't really matter what the term, only that he was there … and Ellis wasn't alone.

"_I don't want my mother to die alone."_

So thrown into the fire he was then, that his heartache and pain had all but vanished and he became one of her saviors – _because losing her mother wasn't going to be something that happened to Meredith on __his__ watch_ – certainly not if he could help it. The irony striking him down like bolt of lightning now as he worked over her lifeless body _– for he was not wearing that quintessential white coat_ – and admittedly he was out of his element! He was just a nerve guy with some _nerve_ and some serious hope and desire to finally do right by his woman.

"_Slow down. Just slow down."_

And in the end, that was all he could have done for her and for himself, for it turned out that he was just man after all – _a man in the waiting room with his eyes tired around the edges, his heart tattered and torn_ – just a broken man, a byproduct of this particular woman's rage against her brilliant and thoughtful and tenacious daughter whom he loved … madly.

And so as she started to give up on him completely – _the bark of his orders became louder and more aggressive and finally reached his own ears _– wherein his request for a page to Dr. Burke provided him with an answer he most certainly did not expect – _'h__e's in trauma two, doing cardio pulmonary bypass'_ – his heart racing now as he dared to ask his next question … his mind wild with possibility and suddenly bolstered with hope.

"On, Meredith Grey?" he asked, locking his eyes with Nurse Tyler's.

"Yes, sir," the trusty nurse answered with a nod of assent.

His heart leapt then, skipping a full beat before he turned his full attention back to Ellis – _his confirmation still suspended between them, 'yes, sir' _– as he set his fury upon her one last time, begging and pleading with her not to let this happen to him and on his watch. Silently asking her with everything he had in him, to spare her daughter, especially whilst she was ensconced under the extreme measures of the illustrious Dr. Burke (_this man with undeniable talent and recently repaired nerves of his own_), and yet, despite his solemn pleas, Derek Shepherd knew, that in another uncanny twist of fate, this was the end of the line for Ellis Grey and her cruelty.

"_Slow deep breaths."_

And though he felt somewhat liberated, he was mostly encapsulated by the guilt of her would-be death – _for within that bazaar twist of fate_ – it would also come to fruition that he was not her last hope. For now he knew, he was just a man, a man in a blue pinstripe button down and a navy cashmere sweater – _even as he slung a stethoscope over his shoulders and set to charge her cold heart back to life_ – he was just a man, suddenly no different from the boy he once was in that waiting room a long time ago.

"I need a minute," he gasped when the heavy air had cleared and her time of death was declared.

Nurse Tyler nodded and then that too, was over. Deluge with fear and remorse and suffocating and drowning of his own free will, Derek found himself fleeing then – _his eyes landing on the door of a nearby supply closet _– where turned the handle and slipped into the quiet safety within, allowing the private enclave of darkness to soothe his battered mind, if only for a moment.

"_I'm okay."_

"_You're okay."_

**Miracle Drug – Part 5 to follow.**


	5. Part 5, 'Son,'

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: I just read over this section and I have to say, it remains one of my favorite pieces of this story, I truly hope you enjoy the fill-in-the-blanks aspects of this piece as it answers some of the burning questions that always nagged me … like, where was Derek when Meredith woke up? **

**And the flashback, I loved writing flashbacks for this piece, I felt like they were tucked somewhere deep in the recesses of Derek's mind. Let me know what you think!**

**Miracle Drug – Part 5 – ****"Son …,"**

"_I would've helped you if you'd told me."_

Derek spun around in the darkened room, his balance off kilter, he felt like a mad man – _his breathing labored, his eyes straining to see in the dark – 'she was dead'_ was his only coherent thought, impulsively, he glanced down to his watch, a reflex now as he counted backwards, once again calculating how long had it been since he pulled Meredith from the water – _the harsh reality set in, salty tears stung his eyes _– he blinked and set them free.

"_I thought you were my friend."_

His stomach convulsed and he staggered to the small trashcan situated by the door where he lunged forward and hurled the contents of his stomach, releasing the withheld acid and bile – _his heart banging into his ears, his skin pricking with cold-heat, his nerves, numb, shot – 'her mother was dead' …_ his heart broke, another fissure straight down the middle. The thick tears came again and this time filled the deep wells of his eyes until the area in front of him became blurred and he lost his way and his focus … along with the last of his composure. His mouth was rancid, small acidic bubbles coated his throat … burning … searing … unforgiving.

"_I thought you were my surgeon."_

"Fuck," he muttered, spitting into the can once more before he craned his neck up and grabbed a fresh hospital gown from the closest shelf.

_In, out, in, out,_ he breathed, _'Oh God, please don't leave me, save me, why, why' _he heaved, suffocating as the velvety darkness swallowed him whole, for he was suddenly so lost and without a purpose, _'her mother was dead'_, his new mantra on auto-repeat now, the permanence of it all akin to a noose – _a choke hold around his neck_ – constricting, squeezing … stealing the last of his hope. And it was then, within this fleeting moment of destitution, that Derek Shepherd finally felt the grip of it all claim him – _for he was drowning, literally and figuratively _– gasping for air, his body anchored with nothing less than porous guilt. He was man, defeated.

Shredded. Tattered. Torn. Finished. Lost. Angry. Worthless. Hopeless. Broken.

His knees went weak and he stabilized himself, gripping the metal shelving, his fingers wound tight now as he wiped his mouth, holding the simple cotton garment up to his face, dabbing his eyes, breathing in, a strong whiff of musty starch filling his lungs as he did. _'She was dead'_, his head spun, he was consumed, his mind catapulting into the future – _wondering how could he ever make this right to his girl and how he might survive it alone if it came to that_ – his heart trembled, _'please, please, please'_, he prayed now for both Meredith and Preston … willing his newly repaired, yet sought after colleague to be the miracle they so desperately needed.

"_You watched his hands all through surgery. You knew."  
_

Fever pricked his skin and a wave of new nausea pummeled through his body – _he blinked rapidly, inhaling the stale, pungent air_ – focusing now on his way out because he had no other choice – _'you don't get to fall apart, __not when there's still a chance__'_ – Addison's voice floated through his wild mind, her words a reminder now that there was hope, just a sliver, a small chance (a better chance) because Burke was there with her and he was still brilliant … and now whole … and thankfully healed.

"_She's my friend. I can't say anything."  
_

New energy coursed through his being then, he breathed, raking his fingers through his hair as he stared at the door frame, illuminated by the crude fluorescent lights on the other side – _he closed his eyes and let the darkness consume him for a beat longer_ – before he was drawn to move, taking one step and then another, gripping the door handle where he made a swift exit, propelling himself back into the world of the _'living'_ because suddenly he needed feel more than the pressure of his own mounting guilt.

"_How could you know what you know, or suspected it and not tell me?" _

_And so now as he careened toward the Nurses' Station en route to the OR Board and although he hadn't been in the supply closet for more than a few minutes, it felt like a lifetime. The hospital still teeming within a force field of energy of it's own making, 'move, move, move', he moved and prayed, taking action now – 'please, please, please' – __because he wanted to __feel__ again, he wanted to make some progress because now that he could do no more for Ellis, it was time to focus on Meredith, because the truth was he really needed a good dose of hope. _

"_You cleared him for surgery Derek."_

And this was the ideal he held inside his mind now as he stared at the board, his heart leaping out of his chest when he spotted the confirmation he was looking for – _'OR2, P. Burke/M. Grey'_ – yes, yes … they were still together and therein he found that he was clinging to that small glimmer of hope now because he had no choice. For his faith was dwindling and he was slipping away, far and away and out to sea when all he really wanted to do was scream and yell and beg for Meredith to survive because he wanted more time with her – _he desperately wanted_ _another chance to make things right_ – just a chance to not fail her with every turn he made.

_"She was there when you weren't."_

_Time. He just wanted time. He needed time. He needed Meredith! His heart quivered. The board became a blurry mess. He wanted to move. But he couldn't. All he could do was stare at the convergence of their names … 'P. Burke/M. Grey' … a powerful combination. He blinked. Waiting tears popped from his eyes. And then everything became clear once again – 'OR2, P. Burke/M. Grey' – he sighed and made a sidelong glance at Nurse Tyler as the young man came to stand beside him. _

"Do you want me to get an update or are you heading down there?" he asked, somehow making it all seem so real again.

"I'm going … I'm already there," Derek breathed, _in, out, in, out, blink, blink._ He turned to the young man. "I can't focus on Ellis until I know more about –"

"No problem," Tyler interrupted. "I'll get started," he assured with a tight smile, his dark liquid eyes both steady and firm. "You … should go," he encouraged.

"Yeah," Derek sighed, pressing his lips together. "Thanks," he sighed with a weak smile before he turned away and willed himself to move.

_Walking now with purpose as he made his way down to the OR to meet his fate, 'please, please, please', came his silent prayer, his eyes fixed, his heart still and quiet – for there was nothing left but this, his reality and the fate of his woman – Meredith's destiny. Yes, her destiny, her fate was all he had now to focus on … all other distractions were gone now, having perished under his watchful eye, his stomach turned sour – a shadow of uncertainty claiming now as his shame spiraled – down, down, down, where everything was dark and undefined … a mess. _

He did everything he could do for Ellis, he assured himself yet again … his mind touching over the events surrounding her death. He knew this of course; that under the circumstances – _he did the best he could – _only this time it wasn't good enough … he wasn't meant to be her last hope. He sucked in a deep breath, his footsteps slowing down as he rounded the corner and all but collided with Tom Wilson, righting the older gentlemen with a hold on his forearms as the pair smiled tightly at one another.

"Tom, my apologies," Derek breathed, his gaze vacillating – _back and forth_ – his head tilted as he regarded him. "How is Jane?" he asked, holding his gaze steady.

Checking on his new comrade, who though tired, all of a sudden seemed much younger than he did when they first met – _of course his circumstances had dramatically improved since then_ – but it was true, he was not besieged by all that had consumed him before … the fear …the worry … the anticipation … having subsided now where all that likely remained was the man he usually was.

"They say she'll make a full recovery," he reported, his voice level … even. "And, you … how are you?" he asked hesitantly, his eyes also scanning, also checking, following Derek's gaze now as he became transfixed on the large window in front of them.

Derek didn't answer, instead he focused on the scene visible there, smiling weakly as he watched three young people, two men and a woman, all dressed in suits, doting, interacting and appreciating the woman resting comfortably on the bed within – _her smile small, her eyes weak, but sparkling brilliantly all the same as she appreciated them in kind_ – the four of them likely seeing one another with fresh eyes … so clear … so relevant now that they all had been spared.

"Our children," Tom explained with a nod. "Jacob, Michael and Sarah," he sighed, their names falling from his lips with a lifetime of memories and pride.

"It's a special time, _this _time … the time right after surgery …," Derek murmured, his eyes still vacillating over Tom's grown children, likely no different than he and his sisters would be with their mother, _God help him_, his heart shimmied, twisting slightly. "Everything is so … clear, isn't it? When things are better … more solidified … and the limbo is … over …," he rambled, tears pricked his eyes … _blink, blink_, _'please, please', _his view of the family became blurred until he lost sight of them. He felt Tom's hand grip his shoulder, but he couldn't look away from Jane, for he was completely lost within her tired eyes and small smile … her limbo was over.

"_Son …," _came Tom's voice, jarring him from his private reverie, Derek's heart raced.

'_Son', the sound, the monosyllabic meaning of the simple term, so endearing, so natural and yet so out of the ordinary when directed at him, for it had been a lifetime since he'd heard both the term and the intonation, deep and fatherly and full of pride – 'Son' – came Tom's voice again, he finally tore his eyes away from Jane to find the older man, this father of three who tilted his head to the side and regarded him, watching over him with his pensive, concerned eyes … just like a father … the man he __usually__ was. Derek smiled weakly and shook his head._

"How is Meredith?" Tom asked, his tone sincere, his eyes wide with anticipation.

Derek cleared his throat. "She's on bypass," he whispered, his voice cracking slightly, _'she's on bypass, her mother is gone, gone, dead'_, he whispered silently, chanting now from that special place of his, the one he saved for her. His heart gave out.

"I don't know what that means …," Tom smiled weakly, his eyes searching for hope. "Is she in good hands?" he asked, squeezing Derek's shoulder.

_Derek scoffed inside, the irony hitting him over the head now … yes, she was in good hands … nerves repaired … confidence restored … yes, she was in good hands – 'you're the __genius who saved Preston Burke when he almost got his arm shot off__'__ – Erica Hahn's assessment barreled through his mind, her quick wit drawn like a loaded gun, her disdain more than obvious – 'you cleared him for surgery' – came Meredith's later claim, and once again he felt haunted by his mistakes and therein it would end up that it was he who was broken beyond repair._

_His heart raged and he turned back to watch Tom's family for a beat, 'please, please,' he began to chant inside, his mind wild with a deadly combination of hope and fear, he lamented – 'Burke, Burke, my almost-friend back from the almost-dead, if only, if only, OR2, P. Burke/M. Grey, please, please, please' – bile rose again, he leaned into Tom's passive energy._

"_Derek?"_ prompted the older man, his watery eyes still vacillating as Derek turned to face him again.

"She's in the best of hands …," Derek finally answered, his smile tight, his heart engulfed in flames, _ouch, ouch,_ his eyes darting back to Jane and her children where he felt their collective peace of mind for a brief fleeting moment.

"That's what you said about Jane's surgeon," Tom replied evenly.

"Yeah … I did, didn't I …," Derek agreed, swallowing a nervous chuckle. He sighed heavily.

"So what now?" the older man asked, looking on at his family with the young surgeon.

"She can't … she won't …," Derek breathed_, fuck, fuck_. He shook his head and struggled to talk … to make it real … to get it all out. "Pulmonary bypass … it only buys time …," he sighed, his blood thinning as he spoke, his heart torn as his mind wandered between Meredith and Ellis – _their broken hearts hanging on a limb, together and aligned for a brief amount of time –_ the irony, it was killing him.

"Well … it seems this is time she must need," Tom offered, holding Derek's gaze.

"Yeah … so … what do I do now?" Derek wondered aloud, stymied within his own purgatory again while he waited and waited and blinked the seconds away as time moved forward on the clock, every second precious … meaningful. He swallowed hard.

"You just pray, it's all you can do … you're on this side of the fence now," Tom soothed. "You wait and pray and you give your trust to this surgeon she's with," he sighed with a weak smile. "And trust yourself, Derek … to pray for Meredith … _and_ for yourself," he urged softly.

"So it comes down to trust …," Derek sighed, his mind dropping back to the night his father died … maybe if he had trusted … if only his faith hadn't faltered … if only … maybe. He blinked.

"I think so … and hope, believe in your faith and things will turn out and when they do … don't squander whatever time you're given," he advised, speaking now from his own new perspective of clarity.

"No … no, if she's … able to recover … fully … even if …," Derek swallowed hard, '_please, please'._

"She will … she will, she sounds like a fighter, Meredith, is she not?" Tom asked thoughtfully.

Derek smiled. "She's the strongest person I know outside of my mother," he mused softly.

And as he and Tom embraced quickly and then pulled away from one another – _his voice cracking as he promised to leave word with his confidant when he found out about Meredith's condition_ – Derek still believed in the truth of his words, that Meredith Grey was really the strongest person whom he'd ever met and that he also knew he loved her – _even with the threat that she had given up on him and on them in the water _– he knew he loved her. Yes, he loved her enough that it his heart broke with the mere thought of living in this lifetime without her, _'please, please, please'_, he prayed and blinked and waited … his heart still shaking, his mind still trying to wrap itself around his predicament: _his woman's life on the line and the drying ink on her mother's death certificate._

###

So now with a hefty new dose of guilt consuming him, Derek found an open seat in a small waiting room near the Nurses' Station, somehow back where he started. Having let Nurse Tyler know where he could be found, he finally did the only thing left to do: _he waited. Again. _

Sighing heavily, his eyes scanned the crowded room, his heart going out to all the people waiting and anticipating and blinking as the seconds passed by … one by one by one. He sank further into his seat, the fluorescent light almost too harsh for his dry, tired eyes now. He blinked and felt his gateways linger there, shut tight against the world and all of its ugliness with one single coherent and persistent thought rummaging around in his mind, still, hours later … inside the eleventh hour – _he was still just a man, a person who was missing someone he loved – _still no different than the ten or so other people waiting here … alongside him. He was just a man.

He opened his eyes and slowly seared the nameless faces into his memory bank – _a mother, a father, a son, a daughter, a granddaughter, a grandson, an aunt, an uncle, a cousin or a friend_ – their individual titles of no consequence, only that they were there and they were missing someone special. He made eye contact with a man about his age then and wondered briefly what his story was and whom he might be waiting to hear about. His heart shimmied as the man nodded in his direction wherein Derek found himself nodding in return.

Glancing at his watch, he felt his heart twist – _time, it was running out, 'what if'_ – his stomach convulsed, he didn't want to be alone, he didn't want to learn of his fate with no one there to lean upon … he just wanted another chance … to have some time with his beloved Meredith, _'please, please, please'_.

Hunkering down for the duration, Derek thought about taking Tom up on his offer to wait it out with him and his family, but then as his eyes roamed the waiting area again and he felt better about being here, with those in similar positions as he … those who were still waiting and anticipating and blinking the seconds away.

He sighed, realizing that a small piece of his innate being had a feeling that Meredith might pull through this and Tom was right, there would be no squandering of whatever time they were given together – '_please, please'_ – he prayed once again for Meredith and for himself, he prayed for her in this eleventh hour, for he knew should she perish he would never be the same and he wasn't sure if this would be a good or a bad thing – _though he __wanted__ to be different_ – he so desperately wanted to be the man she first fell in love with, before any of the rest of it had happened.

_Because she believed in him on the outset, this man she thought he was – she fell love with him and he with her – deep inside those private hours, locked away in her bedroom where no one could find them. _

And then he smiled tightly to himself as his mind wandering back to the not so distant past where they once again lost sight of the world in her bedroom – _his heart and mind and spirit finally aligned and resting easier that they would have time to figure their thing out_ – that he would have time to make it up to her … to not squander her … or waste her like he had recklessly done since they met.

###

"_Hi. I'm Derek Shepherd."_

_Their earlier conversation still pulsing its way though his mind, even now, even as he stood naked in front of her and held his hand out to help her step from the hot bath they had shared, her heated skin glistening against the erratic bounce of the candle lights – he smiled and wove his wet fingers through hers, wrapping an over-sized towel around her small frame as he did – noticing now how much weight she'd seemed to lose since he'd last seen her and held her naked body close to his, their rushed encounter at the make-shift prom aside, he just now saw the startling result of what the stress of their separation had done to her, both spiritually and physically. _

_Sighing, he grabbed a towel for himself and came to stand in front of her, succumbing to his need to feel their proximity and revel in the idea of being allowed inside her private sanctuary again – her bedroom, her place – he watched her smile and bite slightly on her lower lip and he found himself stepping even closer to her heat – running his thumb along her lower lip, still swollen from all of their kissing – he watched her cheeks heat under his scrutiny, but he could only smile and dare himself tell her how he was feeling. _

_He started to speak, but became mesmerized by those captivating facets he'd always found within her eyes and therein he halted and cupped her delicate face in his hands before he began to kiss her senseless, his fingers soon nestled deep inside the damp tendrils of her messy ponytail – their mouths open, their tongues dancing – their hearts beating now to this familiar biological rhythm … one that belonged solely to them. Her hands found the nape of his neck and her towel fell to the floor as she stepped closer, his hands palming her tush, her gorgeous, taut nipples brushing along the soft hairs of his chest, driving him wild now as she walked him backwards, guiding him through the doorway, out of the bouncing candle lights and into the dark recesses of her bedroom. _

"_What are you doing?"_

_Once there, they swayed inside of one another's arms, this silent melody of theirs twirling in the air all around them – Derek's towel fell free now too and suddenly they were uninhibited, not even a sheath of hot, bubbly water between them, his cock stirring against the soft skin of her abdomen, her fingertips caressing his damp skin all over. _

_Lost within their heavy fog, his lips found hers where they kissed and kissed deep inside this private moment where it was finally just the two of them – no secrets, no hidden pain – just two wounded hearts who were poised for healing. He pulled away and scanned her eyes, smiling as he stared at her, his fingertips dancing along her spine, down, down, down. He swallowed hard, his knees pressed against the edge of her bed now as he found her eyes in the dark. _

"_We met at this bar, do you remember?"_

_She smiled and reached down, pulling the comforter aside, essentially inviting him to stay. She slipped into bed wherein he followed her lead, his tension literally ebbing away as Meredith pulled the cool linens up and over them – a shelter, a barrier – that somehow secluded them even from the vast privacy of this enclave he missed so much, this safe-haven where he first made love to her. She inched closer then, coming to share his pillow, weaving her free hand through his where he felt her hold on tight watching now as she smiled and breathed and blinked, letting him know that she was okay. _

_And in knowing that, he moved closer, lacing his legs through hers, their proximity almost deafening to him after having spent so many nights wishing he'd chosen differently, knowing that Meredith was suffering, both of them somehow suffused inside this ugly alternative universe that he created – this place where they existed, but not cohesively – this place he never knew existed until he met her in the first place. For this plane of existence, it was his own making of purgatory, this place where he was subjected to pine and long for everything he ever dreamed of (this woman who had taken him by storm), and yet, he had no recourse to chase that dream … or her._

"_You didn't know anything about me."_

_Regret for the time lost consumed him then, but he just smiled and leaned in, kissing her now as her body fit against his like a glove, her tongue sweeping along his, her palm over his heart now where they sank into their familiar heat and finally connected – physically, spiritually – their discussion about intimacy and taking things slow foremost on his mind now as they just held one another … naked, fresh, clean … bright and shiny … where he cherished this one moment together … this time that finally belonged to them. _

"_I missed this, you and me in this room …," he said softly, his heart trembling as he relished in this privilege he missed so much. "I've missed … you," he whispered, cradling her skull in his hands as he stared at her. _

"_I know," Meredith sighed with a small smile, her lips pressed together, her cheeks still stroked with heat from their bath. She was a vision. She was his savior and so much more. _

_Moving closer, Derek brushed his nose against hers, his eyes locked on hers as the world fell away, realizing that no amount of space would have ultimately kept him from her … or moments like this. Tears stung his eyes and he let them be as he inched closer now, his mouth nipping at her neck before migrating south, plucking at her collarbone, leaving behind a trail of tiny little kisses, wet and sticky, applying quick, even strokes of pressure all the while inhaling her essence – both flowery and sweet, 'breathe, breathe, breathe' – he breathed deeply, savoring her essence with the thought of never getting enough … not enough of her skin under his touch, or her lips upon his, or the warmth of her aura, no … there was nothing quite like it … there was no one like Meredith, for she was the 'one'._

"_You didn't even know my name."_

_Moving his mouth over her delectable skin now was simply a reminder of how much he literally ached for her – his heart pinched in that special place, low and deep, her place – kiss, kiss, his head spun and he quickly became lost within their euphoria wherein he ducked his head down and pursed his lips around one of her perfect nipples, drawing the sweet raised bead into his mouth where he added pressure and sucked, gently massaging her flesh until he breathed again, pulling back as he felt the quake of her body and the vibration of her giggle against his mouth. _

"_Slow, slow," she muttered, trembling in his arms, the heat of her core radiating against his abdomen. _

"_Hmm, I know … I know," he murmured as she claimed the last of his senses. "Just playing," he husked returning to her puckered flesh. _

_His open mouth descending to her opposite breast now, breathing deeply through his nose, he once again inhaled her essence, his panacea to everything that ailed him and therein she effortlessly healed him and saved him. He pursed his lips around her nub and brushed the tip of it with his tongue, flick, flick, feeling her nerves harden with every stroke he made as she trembled while he held her tight, relishing in the feeling of her body against his and the cohesiveness of their perfect fit he missed so much. He sighed before he breathed again, pulling his mouth from her flesh to steal a look at her while she did the same … time stopped, he breathed … slow, slow, slow. _

"_You didn't know me."_

_He smiled and peppered her flesh with kisses, moving his mouth up, up, up to her neck and then to her ear where he sucked on her fleshy lobe, practicing now some of her favorite things until she seized his skull and moved his lips to hers where she began to pulse her lips over his, slowing their rhythm for longevity … kiss, kiss … pulse, pulse before pulling back, her hot breath fanning his flushed face, her eyes sparkling in the darkness of her room – he smiled and so did she – she leaned in and kissed his mouth, soft and quick, kind of like a habit … one they now had a chance to do for the rest of their lives. _

"_I missed this too Derek … our time, time like this, ours …," she confessed, panting heavily while he watched her eyes fill with unshed tears before she hastily blinked them away. _

"_Me too …," he muttered, his lips brushing against hers, kiss, kiss … more, more. "Ours … I like the sound of that …,"he muttered, moving his fingers through her wild, damp locks._

"_And I … I'm glad you're in my bed," she smirked before she kissed him quickly and pulled back. _

"_Me too," he breathed, gathering her his arms where he held her close. "Me too," he soothed both of them now as she became heavier in his arms and therein he finally felt the full 'weight' of their reunion … and it was a beautiful thing. _

"_I want you to know me. I want to start over, from the beginning."_

###

Derek blinked, pulling himself from his private thoughts, his wild mind still stuck in the past while he was met with the tired eyes of the man who sat across from him – _the one about his age who also waited for news regarding his someone special_ – and as the two men regarded one another, Derek suddenly found it difficult to breathe, he also found it impossible to look away because in some strange way, within this man and his red-rimmed eyes and defeated physique … he found a reflection of himself – _for the man sitting across from him was already different _– already more bereft than the last time Derek had focused on him … yes, small pieces of those who waited were chipping away as time ticked forward.

"_What about her?"_

The man blinked and looked away, but Derek kept watching him still, seeing now the tears well in his eyesand the way he shook his head – _perhaps testing his faith and retracing his karmic fate_ – wondering how he ended up right here, right now with all of these nameless and faceless people. And as he watched the man shift in his seat – _a shiver coursed through his body like nothing he'd ever felt before _– colder than cold … colder than the icy water of the Elliott Bay, for as he shivered and hunkered down against that unbiased cold he realized that Meredith was closer to dying than to living.

"_We can't just abandon her."_

Because she was dying, every moment she stayed on bypass pulled her further and further away from the light of life. He was swallowed whole and tried so hard to climb his way out of this abyss of misery and uncertainty he found himself trapped within – _but all he could do was stare at the man, his counterpart_ – and feel his pain and uncertainty as it seemed to radiate from him and swirl in the air all around them … hovering over Derek too, his mind wild with fear and resentment and the very real possibility that he might lose Meredith to this … and for what?

"_We have an obligation!"_

Bile rose again, willing himself to blink it all way, all of the recklessness of his indecisions, of his unfairness to her, of his regret in leaving her, walking away from her – _'I'm married, I have responsibilities'_ – he lashed out, his heart shaking even now whenever he thought about that night, this point in time he wished he could take back and live differently because he had squandered it, their time, their connection – _'do you think I want to look at you'_ – he remembered shouting, but she stared at him still, her heart beating so fast he could see it through the flimsy lace of her dress – _'she doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal'_ – he rationalized, full well knowing that he hadn't felt the same since he met Meredith, a force of her own nature who tipped his world to the side and had forever challenged him and changed who he was. … for the good.

"_There was too much damage." _

Thick tears welled his eyes then as he silently prepared himself for the worst, the last of his hope depleted now as he watched the man stand up when greeted by a doctor who led him to a small ancillary waiting room they typically used for privacy … and then he knew, there would be no happy ending for him, his own heart hemorrhaging as the man broke down – _the reverberation of his cries permeating the space all around them, echoing, traveling without discrimination_ – the wail of his pain so real now that his own life was also taken, _chip, chip,_ another piece of himself gone and missing … and then another and another.

"_There was never anything we could do."_

Derek's head spun and his eyes reflexively fell to his watch – _he counted back and cleared his throat_ – focusing on the small face of time, _tick, tick, tick_, _chip, chip,_ _chip_…he blinked and he had waited … but time was running out … and so was his hopeful optimism.

"_We have to let her go."  
_

Without wanting to move, he leaned forward and covered his eyes with his hands, black swirls of nothingness overcame him, he breathed, a dewy sheen covered his brow and he felt sick. He focused then, praying again, his mantra clear, though unspecific, nothing but an incoherent collection of his pleas now – _'please, please, I need, I want, I can't' – _his stomach convulsed and he stood without thinking, his mind set on his escape now with his shaky legs and wild eyes, _bang-bang_, his heart went nuts and that was when she all but materialized, his savior in her wrinkled white lab coat: _Dr. Miranda Bailey._

"Miranda," he breathed, his voice broken, he scanned her dark liquid eyes, tired yet alert.

"She's off bypass," Bailey announced, pressing her lips together, he watched as hope filled her eyes too. "She's in recovery … she's … ," she sighed, a small fleck of emotion consuming her now as she stared at him and he at her.

"Is she …," his voice trailed off; he shifted on his feet, for there was suddenly too much to ask … to ponder … to wonder … to hope for.

"Not here, come …," she answered with a small smile, her eyes darting around waiting room for a beat before she found his again.

"How … is she? Is she awake?" he persisted softly, his legs unwilling to move … _'is she Meredith' _was all he really wanted to know. His heart raced.

"Come," Bailey urged, leading him away by his forearm, her grasp light, but reassuring. "Burke's waiting to fill you in," she murmured, moving slowly toward the elevators.

_Tears flooded his eyes as they stood together, waiting and anticipating – his mind wild while a swell of relief consumed him – waves and waves of liberation breaking at his shoreline now and so consumed was he by it all, that he barely heard the elevator chime. Some passengers exited; Bailey ushered him inside, the heavy doors closed and they were suddenly alone. _

"_Did she ah ... did she suffer?"_

_He turned to her and immediately tried to focus, but instead he felt like he was going to vomit, bile rose, but he focused still, seeing Bailey now only through the end of a telescope lens, a vast distance away from him, out of reach, out of touch – but even then with the stratagem distance between them – he could tell she was beat, worn and worried. He went mad and paced, back and forth before braced himself, pressing his sweaty palms against the back wall of the elevator. He felt dizzy – 'please, please' – he chanted silently, finally succumbing to the insurmountable pressure squeezing around his heart, pinch, pinch. _

"_No. Her injuries prevented her from ... no, she wasn't in any pain."_

_He turned around to find his friend there, this woman he hadn't known that long, though he knew one thing for sure, she wouldn't sugar coat this, if there was one person he could count on for an honest assessment, it would be Bailey. And so deep inside this telescopic moment of relief and fear, he tried to ask her – tried to put into words what he believed to be the unfathomable – but his mind became so flooded with incoherent thoughts that all he could do was stare at her … and blink and wait. She became blurred around the edges and suddenly he felt trapped. She blinked her pleading eyes and pressed the stop button; the elevator came to quick halt and then all was quiet, save for his erratic breathing._

"_She wanted you to know ... that if love were enough ... that if love were enough she'd still be here with you."_

_Willing his heart to slow down, Derek gasped for air then, quite unable to breathe – the vise around his heart easing up a bit now as he finally it all let go – crying openly, pacing along the four walls of their enclave, praying and lamenting for a long moment before he sucked in a deep breath and found Miranda there, her hand still on the stop button, her eyes big and round and wide open._

"She's strong Derek, she'll recover," she sighed softly, somehow allowing herself to speculate … for him. He watched her walls dismantle. "She … will … she has to … all this time and energy, after everything … she'll pull all the way through this … she's off bypass, it's a start … we know this, this is our business …" she uncharacteristically rambled in an attempt to convince them both.

_Sharp tears stung his eyes and some kind of nervous jolt shocked his system and he braced himself against the wall, looking down to the ground now, for he couldn't look at her. He could not have this conversation and yet … he had no choice – for he was trapped – quite literally inside a purgatory he had created. He met her wild gaze and took a staggering deep breath, his final effort to quell his racing heart. _

"I can't, I don't, I can't …," he stuttered, shaking his head., the ground became blurred. He heaved, breathing deeply. "What if … her brain ... I thought we were okay," he trembled, losing his train of thought. "But I … failed her … and us … us …," he admitted into the tiny space of their confessional. "What do I do … how do I, how do we come back from this?" he asked candidly, finally raising his head, his red-rimmed eyes searching hers, back and forth, his chest on fire.

"You don't," she counseled firmly, stepping in front of him. "You deal with it … whatever _'it'_ is … you deal with it – _this is what it's like to be 'everything' to someone _– when that person is enough for you … you deal with it," she sighed heavily.

Derek stared at her for a beat longer – _she smiled tightly and so did he_ – his heartbeat slowed down and Bailey stepped backward toward the stop button. She raised her brow at him and he nodded. "Thanks," he breathed, she released the hold; the elevator began to move and the clock began to tick again.

_###  
_

They stood just outside the small recovery room just outside the OR. He and Bailey shoulder to shoulder now, watching as the illustrious Dr. Preston Burke watched carefully over Meredith and all Derek could think was how small his woman seemed – _her body swathed in heating blankets, her arms tucked inside, safe and warm, her skin translucent, though no longer blue, was accented by the dull fluorescent lights, her blond locks falling back and away from her angelic face – 'breathe, breathe, breathe'_, he reminded himself.

'_Please, please, please,'_ his chant continued until he sighed heavily, a flash of a déjà vu consuming him now wherein he was suddenly watching her appendectomy all over again – _he felt his knees go weak, 'I'm walking away' _– his absent words haunting him now, though this time with little room for error, he found himself stepping inside of their enclave where everything was peaceful and quiet save for Meredith's heart rate monitor, slow and steady … _'beep … beep … beep'_.

"Preston," he whispered from just inside the doorway; he inhaled sharply, the clinical air burned his lungs. He stood motionless, scared to make a move and throw the energy off balance, _'beep … beep … beep'_.

Burke turned toward the doorway and held his gaze. "Derek," he acknowledged, his voice as cool and smooth as sanded wood.

_Derek stood still, trying his best now to breathe … to walk … to move from the doorway, because he really __wanted__ to … he wanted more than anything to lay his hands on his woman and connect with her and yet, he felt like his feet were super-glued to the floor. Another swell of tears filled his eyes … he blinked and they crashed along his face. He flicked them away with the pads of his fingertips. Stifling a fury of emotions, he recoiled, somehow unwilling to make the moment real, after the hours of limbo, he was struggling now to believe that she wasn't exactly how he left her: cold, lifeless, lost. _

_He shook his head and then he felt it: that warm, soothing energy of his savior for the moment, Dr. Bailey with her white lab coat and her strong directives and her soft spot for Meredith Grey. She stepped forward, bypassing him by a step or two and then he moved, following her now as she walked into the light – into this clandestine place of life reborn – this alternative universe he found himself within, a place where both he and Meredith were amongst the living … together, again._

_And so as he walked forward, coming closer and closer to where Meredith lay, he focused on her chest, the steady rise and fall of her body as her heart worked – up, down, up, down – he watched and stepped and stepped and watched until he stood just at the foot of her bed where he paused for a moment, up, down, up, down. _

_Burke stood and Derek watched him move, a small slice of his peripheral vision giving him enough of an impression of his confidence as he strode to the portable lab where Miranda was working, his expression easy, content, his brow relaxed as he shifted on his feet. Derek's eyes lingered on his colleague's mannerisms for a beat longer before Burke looked up and held his gaze. He nodded with encouragement and Derek nodded in return, knowing that the good doctor would stay and monitor for reactivity whilst Derek had a moment 'alone' with his lover._

_Sighing now, Derek walked around the side of the bed and let his eyes roam over Meredith's relaxed form, no, she was no longer cold or unbending – she was inside of herself, she was recovering – her __neural pathways__ were mending, fusing, forging connectivity … testing their usefulness. And he could tell she was hard at work now, gathering her strength and courage to open her eyes. Sighing, he set his hand on the crown of her head to feel her warmth … and it was there … and it was a Godsend. _

Tears of relief crowded his eyes and her heart-shaped face – _still translucent, still somewhat of a ghost _– became blurred and he lost sight of her if only for a moment, before he blinked … and blinked and then she materialized and he leaned down and pressed his lips to her temple, breathing her in where he found what he was looking for _– salt, tears, drugs and miracles_ – and through her sweet essence was lost for now, he knew it was there somewhere in the mix, _'breathe, breathe, breathe'_.

"You can do this," he whispered into her ear. "I'm right here … we need more time together … our time," he added, his heart still … his mind slowing down.

He let his lips linger upon her temple once more, her skin clammy, her heart rate monitor beeping in the background and the foreground, slow and steady now until he pulled away and realized that this sound of life was the only sound he heard, for his mind had become quiet. And therein,he stared at Meredith and chanted, _'slow, deep breaths'_, silently knowing now that he would be forever changed by her _survival_ and that perhaps a small amount of his faith had been restored, for he had indeed arrived on the other side of this life …of her life, with her.

"Talk to me," Derek finally whispered, his eyes flicking up to meet Burke's, his hand still resting atop her crown as he stroked his fingers along her halo, _'breathe, breathe, breathe'_, came the whisper of his silent plea, _'beep … beep … beep'_, came her wordless answer.

Burke sighed and lowered the volume of her heart monitor so it was there, just enough now … soft, slow, rhythmic … a steady sign of life. He smiled and rose from his seat and came to stand across Derek, Meredith lying between them.

"She fought me, she gave me a good fight, started to slip under – _but we tried again_ – and she came off of bypass beautifully, when she was good and warm and ready …," he answered, his voice calming, soothing, encouraging … coaxing.

Derek sighed and found he couldn't look away from Burke's dark, soulful eyes and therein he saw something he hadn't seen before in this man who straddled the line between friend and patient and opponent – _he saw his precision, his confidence and his pride from a different angle, from the other side of the waiting room _– and therein he found that another hat was added to those he interchanged; for Burke really was his savior in the pristine white lab coat.

"About how long so we have?" Derek asked softly, his eyes darting down to Meredith.

"Her pupils were reactive just before you came in … she's close, taking her time, every moment's crucial … I would say within the half-hour," he ventured a guess.

Derek sighed, a half an hour could feel like a lifetime. He absentmindedly danced his fingers along her temple, moving them down to the pulse-point on her neck, also warm and clammy. "I have something urgent I want to hash out with you … but not here … not over her, like this," he murmured, Ellis on his mind now.

Burke held his gaze and tilted his head. "I've read her chart – _you did all you could_ – you followed protocol … gave her the best chance to survive," he reassured, his eyes darting down to Meredith.

"No … you were her best chance … I just … it should have been you, but … you were –"

"Where I needed to be," Burke interjected smoothly, again so confident … so sure … so believable.

"Yeah …," Derek muttered softly, his voice cracking. "Thank you," he sniffled, trying to regain his composure as he stared at Burke – _his white lab coat akin to a flag of surrender now _– he sighed heavily and pressed his lips together.

"There is no need for thanks my friend," Burke answered.

Derek regarded him, his own heart slowing down once again, he breathed, matching his rhythm to the faint beat of Meredith's monitor. He sighed and smiled tightly. "Before she wakes up … before I have to tell her, I really do want to go over this with you," he murmured.

"We have time, a small window … she'll come around soon," Burke replied.

"You two go on, I'll be here," Miranda encouraged from her spot. "Cristina should be back soon," she added thoughtfully.

Derek sighed, torn between two choices. He looked down at Meredith and then back up. "Stay with her … I don't want her waking up alone," he ordered gently. "And I … I _need_ to be the one to tell her … ," he breathed, his mind working through the events of Ellis' death all over again.

"I know and I'll let Yang know too," she answered softly.

_Derek pressed his lips together and looked down and away from Bailey and back to his woman. His fingertips nestled deep into her matted tresses, warm, dry … warm. Pitching forward, he once again pressed his lips to her forehead, breathing her in, her heart rate slow and steady just like his … calm and quiet. He pulsed his lips, once, twice – 'slow, deep breaths' – he reminded them both now before he felt a small smile crack upon his face._

"Take your time," he whispered into her ear. "Take all the time you need, I'll be right back," he cooed, closing his eyes, basking deep inside the peace of the moment_._

_Where he lingered for a beat longer before he raised his head and righted himself. Looking down at his lover one last time, noticing now that her flesh was just a shade lighter, a dusty peach – the apples of her cheeks coming to life again too – and therein she reminded him of a fresh painter's canvas … on the verge of being caressed with that first stroke of life … or genius. _

"_Shall we?"_ came Burke's voice from a world away.

Derek looked up then and nodded, his tired eyes quickly roaming over Meredith before he removed his hand from her crown and walked alongside of her bed where he slipped out of the quiet refuge so he could talk with Burke about Ellis' case. For clearing his mind of her death was of utmost importance to him now – _and it had to be now, before Meredith woke up_ – because when she did, he wanted to be in the moment with her … with nothing standing between them but her recovery.

**Miracle Drug – Part 6 to follow. **


	6. Part 6, 'You prayed,'

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Sorry for the long wait for updates lately, my life has suddenly become very busy and I am finally sleeping again, which is a small miracle in and of itself. ****Thank you to ****cahillfive for your anonymous review!**

**So … this next part, and the final remaining two parts are for those of you, who, like me, may have wished for more to come out of the three-arc than actually did on screen … more filling in the blanks, enjoy!**

**Miracle Drug – Part 6 – ****"You prayed ….,"**

She was in recovery, this was the only coherent thought Derek had now as he stood in Meredith's doorway, his heart beating wildly, this time with his mind focused on the future – _though to say he was concerned was understatement_ – for they weren't out of the woods yet, not by a long shot, for he didn't want Ellis' death to derail Meredith's recovery … and recover she would.

For he was breathing more easily now that Bailey had reported that Meredith hadn't sustained any memory loss – _her brain was literally untouched and intact –_ unharmed, yet paradoxically damaged … and quite beautiful and stunningly strong … willed too.

_He sighed, shifting on his feet with uncertainty – move and shift the balance – or stand idly by and watch her from a safe distance?_

He tentatively stepped forward, once again wanting nothing more than to cross over the threshold of his living nightmare – _the archway he stood beneath, the confined space of this gray area pocketed safely within an array of colliding shadows_ – except that his route was ambiguous and he felt he wasn't ready to move just yet.

_He would wait … he blinked … and waited._

And within that stalemate, he wedged himself against the doorjamb and let his eyes scan the room, peering through the small window there as he did, seeing now that the sun had already set and the room was fragmented by those soft rays of light coming in from the world that spun on and on all around the archway in which he stood.

He sighed somewhere deep inside – _Jane and Tom would live to see another sunrise, together … and so would he and Meredith_ – the torment and horror of the day hitting him hard once again, for having prepared himself for the worst for so long now … he didn't know quite how to deal with this idea of his faith and the infinite power it brandished from within him.

And within that conundrum, he had to wonder, did his sudden will to believe in his faith after having lived without it for long, provide him with such a vastly different outcome today than that of the long, overwhelming night he'd lived through when his father fell and never resurfaced … finally taking with him the last of Derek's faith.

The outcomes, so vastly different … his mind floated over this idea now – _the idea of faith and second chances and what it might have meant to his father and his mother _– so deeply in love when their life together was taken away. He sighed, hedging again, one foot inside the room now, one step closer to making Meredith's recovery their reality … one step closer to their second chance.

And then he focused, willing himself to see beyond what lay in front of him – _this woman whom he loved _– he focused and watched her sleep, her face relaxed, her cheeks finally pink, though he could readily see the stress of everything she'd been through – _for it was there, trapped within her waterlogged pores and her knitted brow and her dry, red lips_ – and therein his heart broke … because she was dead … and now she was okay … she was okay and unbelievably safe and sound – _swathed in a spray of their favorite colors_ – the hospital bedding, both indigo and lavender.

'_She was okay'_, he chanted silently – _'breathe, breathe, blink, blink, wait, wait, wait'_ – he felt a fever prick his spine, _'she was okay'_ … they would have the second chance his parents never did. Yes, they would live on to tell this harrowing tale (or maybe keep it to themselves) as they would come together and … live it … and breathe it … and blink it as life moved on and the clock ticked forward and the future would become theirs.

Because it was, the future _was_ theirs and he had to believe this now, for his hopeful optimism had returned – _having somehow disappeared over the last several months _– banished, but not forgotten, he grasped a hold of it now, knowing he needed to reside within that man once again if he was ever going to overcome what had happened here today.

_He also knew he had to finally turn a blind eye to Addison and Mark's betrayals because they had gotten the better of him … and if there was one thing he learned, he knew this: Meredith Grey had changed who he was, for the good. _

_For since the night they met, she had reminded him of everything he used to believe in – true love and soul mates – she reminded him … and therein she made him a believer again … she made him feel more like his true self than he had in very long time and it was a beautiful thing … and not something he was willing to give up … ever again. _

And on that thought, on this precipice of never giving up – _he saw her move_ – her head turning on her pillow before she frowned slightly and looked up to find him. She pressed her lips together and said something to him without words, shrugging slightly – _silently revealing another facet of herself to him_ – and therein he found himself nodding with a tiny smile, the one he saved for her and only then did he hear his voice.

"Hey," he sighed, his heart shimmied; he pushed himself away from the doorjamb – _finally stepping out from beneath the shadowy depths of limbo_ – his heartstrings pulled tight by the time he heard her voice.

"Hey," she breathed, her eyes darting around for a beat before they landed on him.  
_  
He moved then, his eyes locked on hers where he held where he needed her to be – alive, safe, sound, cheeks pink, lips red – alive … alive … he moved closer and closer, effortlessly gliding along their heart line until he was there, at the side of her bed, leaning over where he naturally pressed a kiss to the angular plane of her cheek, pulsing his lips quickly, her skin warm to the touch … warm, alive, alive. _

_Pulling back, he found her eyes again, smiling slightly as she did the same, sighing in unison – she blinked, her chest rose and fell – she was alive … safe, warm, alive, alive and though beyond tired, he knew he had to tell her about her mother. He blinked and then he waited._

"Meredith …," he tried, breathing _in, out, in, out_ as his heart raced and unforeseen emotion washed over him akin to a quick-moving storm.

_He sighed and opened his mouth, but nothing came out – 'just say it, rip the Band-Aid off, come clean, tell her how it was' – he coached himself … 'tell her, come clean, she wasn't alone, come clean' … he pleaded, but he found himself hedging again, fearful of how Meredith might react … because this was big and he knew – even though she hadn't said anything to him – he knew she regretted how things went on that lucid day of Ellis'. He also was well aware now that his lover had already begun to disappear thereafter … that her disappointment and despair were simply too powerful to overcome. _

_And so now as he prepared himself for the inevitable … that her mother's untimely death would surely be life-altering for her, Derek found himself praying again and hoping that over time Meredith would come to live in relative peace and without the burden of her mother's influence and cruelty and the intense pressure to survive it all … by herself._

_He sighed and shifted on his feet, finally ready to begin the healing process together … though his heart nearly stopped when he heard what his woman said next. _

"My mother's dead isn't she?" she prompted seemingly out of nowhere, her all-seeing eyes searching his, her voice soft, but confident.

Derek stared at her then. "Yes …," he husked.

_Tilting his head as he regarded her, sucker-punched by the unfathomable, so mystified by her sixth-sense that he inhaled sharply, trying his best to unclog his airway – 'breathe, breathe' – he chanted, 'my mother's dead isn't she', her haunted words already replaying in the emptiness that filled his mind. He exhaled, scanning his lover's weary eyes … tired, yet alert … awake … alive. _

"It's okay, I think," she breathed; her eyes fastened to his as she leaned back against her pillows wherein Derek knelt down, finally meeting her eye to eye. "I think it's okay," she assured while he watched her blink back a set of tears that never had a chance.

_Still somewhat dismayed by her apparent revelation, Derek sighed and pinned his fist to his temple, unable to look away from her, his mind wandering for a beat as she smiled softly while he became somewhat awestruck by this gorgeous thing the florescent lighting was doing to her, for she looked like an angel. _

_He smiled and looked on, paying close attention to the way in which those fragmented accents danced along the crown of her head and cascaded down onto her shoulders – she was ethereal – it was the only way to describe her really … safe and sound and alive with her brighter green all-seeing eyes. He sighed on the facts and ran his hand along her bare forearm, basking in her radiant heat for a long moment before he heard his voice._

"How did you know? About your mother?" he asked cautiously, so fascinated now by her otherworldly experience – _his pulse raced, his mind went wild _– but all he could do was revel in his faith in God's mysterious means and ways.

_She exhaled and blinked, once again tapering her unshed tears, her eyelids fluttered. Derek reached behind him and pulled a chair over, resuming his stance, lacing his fingers through hers now._

"Just a feeling, a sensation … some kind of … dreamscape …," she breathed, staring at him as she tilted her head. She smiled as if in recollection and then continued. "I think … there was … a moment where she was coming and I was … going … or perhaps the other way around …," she mused, her mind obviously far and away. She sighed heavily and shook her head. "It's fragmented … I don't know, it's foggy … yet surreal … and full of clarity …I don't know what to think …," she sighed in frustration and cleared her throat.

Derek smiled and lost himself in her eyes for a beat … _green, bright, clear_. "I think … I think you're not supposed to know what to think …," he encouraged softly. Meredith yawned and moved her free hand to her throat. "I think … a lot has happened today and … you and your mother, I don't know – _but it's entirely possible_ – that the both of you weren't … alone," he sighed, watching Meredith's eyes soften around the edges. She swallowed hard.

"Alone …," she sighed breathlessly and then she smiled as her sparkling green eyes met his again. "She wasn't alone … was she, Derek?" she prompted evenly, her eyes still fixated on his as she watched him carefully and cleared her throat, wincing as she swallowed.

_Derek's heart raced and he reacted then – 'no, she wasn't alone' – he answered without words as he reached for the pitcher and began to pour a cup of water for her, sticking a straw in the cup before he offered it to his woman. She smiled and watched him carefully as she took a small sip and then another. Derek sighed and set the cup down. _

"No …," he answered without hesitation, he shook his head; he sighed. "I was there," he admitted, watching her for reaction, his mind briefly haunted by their intimate discussion all those months ago – _'I don't … I can't'_ – came the trigger-memory of Meredith's pained call.

"So you … remembered …," she sighed heavily, her eyes shimmering – _'I don't want my mother to die alone'_ – her sorrowful words skimmed to the surface once again flooding his ears, though her softer, fuller face somehow mitigated the intense memory of the private moment they had shared.

"Meredith … yes," he answered, tilting his head. He smiled and then felt his face fall slightly. "I was in her room earlier … before she let go …," he offered softly, holding her gaze. She blinked and so did he; his heart raced. "I didn't know where to go, the chapel turned out to be … too much …," he breathed, his voice cracked, but he pressed on. "So, I slipped into her room and … prayed for you … and I was so lost … but …," he murmured, blinking back his tears.

Meredith swallowed hard. "You prayed ….," she breathed, her lips pressed together, her vacillating eyes glassy now as she tightened her grip on his fingers.

Derek smiled weakly. "I did," he mused softly, looking down at their linked fingers for a beat before he looked up. "Yeah … I prayed and then she woke up … but I was too far gone," he admitted shamefully, he shook his head, still even now in disbelief; he lamented. "I was upset and I admit my anger was displaced …and I … I was too harsh with her … it was my … ground zero …," his heaved, losing sight of Meredith … his tears as unruly and thick and salty as the freezing water of the Elliot Bay now.

"Derek? Ground zero?" Meredith prompted, tilting her head, her brow knitted … twisted with confusion and unasked questions. "Come here, come closer," she urged. And so he did, leaning up wherein she wasted no time before she cupped his skull in her warm hands and stared at him, so close now that their noses were touching. "Talk," she whispered; he felt her tremble, her body humming just like his.

"My low point …," he clarified, praying once again that this woman whom he loved more than anything would have a small amount of herself left to forgive him … yet again. "I was distraught over you … the thought …of losing you … it's no excuse … I know," he rambled as he watched the facets of her green eyes multiply again and again.

"You …no … I'm …," she breathed; her eyes wide open, her mouth open too … though nothing came out. She closed her mouth and moved her fingers through his wild locks.

"I left, got out of there … and then she crashed," he recounted, pulling back slightly as he shook his head. "And then I got back in there … I did the best I could … you … you have to believe me …," he pleaded, his forehead pressed against hers.

The couple sighed in tandem before Meredith tilted her head and kissed the underside of his neck, her hot breath fanning his flesh as she did. "I know you did …," she whispered into his ear. Her voice shook. "I have no doubt you did," she soothed, her hands still cradling his skull where she held him steady inside the moment.

Derek inhaled sharply, trying his best to calm his heart … and then he blinked, finally setting those waiting tears free – _'she's okay, we're gonna be okay'_ – he reminded himself as grasped a hold of her wrists, allowing himself to lean into her hold upon him. "I … tried … for _you _… for _me_ … but I was a mess, trying to focus … but Burke … Burke –"

"Was with me …," Meredith sighed as she released his skull and fell deeper into her pillows.

Derek nodded. "Yeah … and … thank God he was," he mused thoughtfully, reaching up, he smoothed her hair away from her face.

"And now I'm here …," Meredith declared, her mind no doubt moving over the facts and those twists and turns of fate that transpired all around them both here and elsewhere in her dreamscapes.

"Yeah …," Derek smiled …_'she's back, she's okay'_, he found himself chanting.

_Watching now as a curve of a precious smile formed along Meredith's lips wherein she looked at him intensely for a beat before her eyes dipped shut. Derek stood and moved the blanket up to her hips, focusing on the rise and fall of her chest as he did – 'up, down, slow, deep breaths' – he sighed softly inside. Meredith opened her eyes and found him and there the lovers stared at one another, both so lost, yet hopelessly found … mirrors, reflections of one another once again. _

"You're exhausted," Derek murmured after a minute, running his finger along her flushed, pink cheek … _warm, alive, heated, gorgeous_ … the frosty blue undertone all but a distant memory ... for now.

"I am ...," she acquiesced, breathing heavily. "But I won't sleep alone … not tonight … without you …," she said confidently, though he easily spotted the fear glistening in her eyes.

"No, you won't," he agreed as he held her gaze and clicked the fluorescent lights off. "You have everything you need?" he asked softly of her.

"Yes … just come …," she sighed breathlessly, the darker space more intimate, private, the harsh, blue undertone gone for now as he leaned down to slip his shoes off.

_His eyes moving over her as she gingerly rolled to her side and made room for him. He smiled tightly and assumed 'his' place behind her, his arms fitting securely around her lithe frame – warm, alive, heart beating, breathing rhythmically – he stroked her arm, his fingertips dancing over her warm flesh, his nose pressed into her hair, inhaling a staggering deep breath, he chased her essence._

_Breathing deeply, he found 'her' with relative ease … just a sliver of her, nestled deep inside the pores of her skin as they dried out – she was there – yes … his woman was there, swathed in the residue of powerful life-saving drugs and salty bay water and antiseptic soap … she was there – different, but soothing all the same – and no, no, he realized now … he couldn't get enough … no, he breathed … a whiff of Meredith just wasn't enough._

_He inhaled once more, a wave of fatigue washing over him as he did, both intense and unyielding to the point where he had to give in and therein his own eyes dipped shut – his arms still encircling Meredith – where he focused and felt her breathe and was comforted by her, just as he was every time they fell asleep together – her chest moving up and down within a rhythm of her own making now – wherein Derek aligned himself with her now as she succumbed to sleep, growing heavier in his arms as he too released a modicum of his stresses … at least for now._

"It's okay Derek, I think it's okay … we're okay …," she whispered, her eyes finally closing on the window in front of them.

"We are … we'll make it okay … we just need time …," he soothed them both.

_Shifting even closer to her heat – an intense reminder of how she always comforted him whilst in his arms – a familiarity he would surely hold onto now as the minutes of the night would tick on and forward … bringing them closer and closer to that first day … of their second chance, together._

**Miracle Drug – Part 7 to follow.**


	7. Part 7, 'Everything was so clear,'

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Hi there and thank you for the lovely words for this story, a dissection at best, but in the end, I think it helped me remember what I used to love so much about this show (though the ferryboat 3-arc was the beginning of the down spiral in some ways) … anyway, thank you for the support. Please let me know what you think, it would mean a great deal. **

**One last note … for those of you waiting for an update to "True Colors", it's coming. I added a chapter and for those of you who follow my stories, you know that means a cursory review of the story as it is written already, so hang in there with me!**

**Miracle Drug – Part 7 – '****Everything was so clear …,"**

_And although time moved that night – it moved slowly – creeping along the walls of their enclave of happenstance, for there were heavy periods of sleep interrupted by the seemingly constant check on Meredith's vitals. And so now as dawn was imminent, Derek opened his dry, tired eyes, vaguely aware that his grip upon his lover had tightened, a new reflex, one that he knew would take a while to wane, if at all. _

_He focused then, calming his raging heartbeat if for no other reason that to keep himself steady, unmoving, unchanging … so she could rest – though he blinked all the same, once, twice – rousing his body from its achy slumber, already looking forward to getting Meredith home just to fully decompress … even though the thought of doing just that scared him to no end. Another pang of self-doubt consumed him then, but he pushed it away with haste, clearing his mind of all the stress and tumult, willing himself to just live in the moment (and hold on to Meredith for dear life as he did)._

_He blinked again and briefly thought of Tom and Jane and their first sunrise and as he did, he found himself watching the shadows become brighter as that blessed pre-dawn light cascaded and twinkled through the blinds – his heart calming on the idea that this side of the world was waking up – and that, so were they. An unforeseen tremble rocked his body and he shuddered as if out in the freezing cold without a jacket, frozen to the bone, but he held onto Meredith and blinked and watched the shadows and blinked and prayed and thanked God … for this … sunrise._

_Closing his eyes again, he focused on Meredith's breathing, paying attention to her rhythm as he tried to match his beat with hers – harboring a new level of appreciation for doing that – for often, she was able to sleep in so much more easily than he and on those rare occasions that they had a late start together, he would rise early only to read or watch the shadows before he would eventually roll into her heat again and breathe in tandem with her until he would find that soothing velvety darkness and join her there. _

_And he did that again now, he aligned himself with her, feeling how his eye sockets cauterized with fatigue and only then did he let himself go to that same place (the one he would find on those lazier mornings they had shared). And once there, he inhaled sharply, 'breathe, breathe', he chanted, calming himself down – hoarding her warmth as he held her close – sighing as he allowed himself to release just a little bit more of the pressure and stress he kept to himself. And though, the sleep he fell into was superficial, it was heavy and encapsulating and healing too. _

###

_Somewhere in the vast darkness of his mind, Derek felt Meredith stir. He opened his eyes to the morning light, the space untouched, though the shadows were muted by the hour. He sensed Meredith was awake, but he held his tongue and waited – 'wait, wait' – he waited this time, letting her take the lead for once. _

_Glancing at the clock, he saw he had slept for a little under a half hour, he counted backwards, thinking now that a nurse would be in to check her vitals within the next half hour – they had time, to talk, to connect – they had time and he realized then that the gift of time was all he really had prayed for and for that gift, he would be forever thankful. _

_Even now, with the lingering doubts in his mind (about his own strength and fortitude), he still was overjoyed that Meredith had pulled through and would have more time in the here and now. And on that thought, he shifted slightly and pulled her closer wherein she slipped her fingers through his and squeezed._

"Derek?" she whispered cautiously after another minute.

"Hmm," he breathed, listening to his angel's call – _her voice cracking through the sound barriers of sleep, exhaustion and his wandering mind_ – he blinked and then pressed his nose into the back of her ear and inhaled.

"Cristina …," she breathed. "She … told me … it was you," she sighed; he felt a tremble move through her humming body, the tension building again.

"Me …," he prompted, his eyes wide open, his mind wild now.

"Yes … _you_ …," she sighed as she began to turn in his arms, moving gingerly, she repositioned herself, smiling weakly as she set her head back down on the pillow. "You saved me … pulled me out of the water …," she whispered, her serious eyes vacillating.

"I did …," he sighed, blinking and waiting … he felt a trigger-sense of the freezing water prick his skin; he pressed his hand to her hipbone to ground himself. He swallowed hard and pressed his lips together.

"Tell me about it," she urged, her voice calm and steady as if she had no fear, though her eyes became glassy pools of water … _depth, despair, gray-green, murky._

Fat tears stung his eyes then and he blinked, trying his best to ease them down and away. "You disappeared …," he sighed. "I saw the little girl, the catatonic little one … the one who reminded me … so much of you …," he rambled, smiling weakly in recollection; his voice cracked. Meredith looked on without blinking. "She pointed to the water … it was still, calm … freezing, but I dove in anyway …," he breathed, exhaling sharply – _his heart on fire _– his flesh tingling at the memory of the icy water.

_Meredith shook her head and her tears began to fall. Derek watched her falter, crumbling before his eyes while she watched him do the same. She sighed and they connected without words – 'I'm okay, you're okay' – much like they had learned to do whilst they were separated. And so within that silence, he watched her gather her senses, fighting off the urge to let go completely as she moved her hand up and rested it along his cheek. _

She inhaled sharply and then began to speak. "I fell in," she said firmly. "The patient I had been treating … he was agitated …," she shook her head. "I remember … he stood up and I fell backward off the dock … and into the water …," she recounted, filling in the missing pieces – _'you think she went into the water on purpose?'_ – came Addison's soft voice as he processed everything.

_He swallowed hard, his watery gateways vacillating; he shuddered, a fever prick ran up his spine. Meredith caressed his cheek, her touch was warm, soothing … 'she didn't jump', it was all he could think … 'she didn't jump, she fell' … she had fallen. He blinked and then he waited, pressing his lips together as he fought the untamed range of emotions that threw him into a tailspin where he stayed: somewhere between lost and found and guilt and relief. His heart shimmied – 'she didn't jump, she fell' – he pressed on. _

"You were freezing by the time I found you …," he sighed weakly, his voice quivering as he made it all so real again. "I was so scared … lost, without you … you were so cold, blue … waterlogged, heavy …," he rambled, his eyes burning with hot tears, crowding his gateways with nowhere to go but down his face and into the crease of his neck. He looked down and away from her for a beat; just a momentary reprieve was all he needed.

_Meredith moved herself closer and reached up, taking his head in her hands wherein she stared into his eyes, her lips quivering, her eyes moving, back and forth, she checked on him again and again … never blinking … never moving … she stood her ground._

"But you found me …," she insisted firmly, her stormy eyes still pinned on his.

"No, actually …," he sighed, inching closer to her heat he missed so much; she cocked her head. "I _lost_ you …," he breathed, his heart pinching with a deep pang of regret.

"Lost me?" she queried; she blinked, alarm marring her beautiful face.

Derek cleared his throat. "Hmm … yes … the truth is –_ I had been losing you for a while already_ – had been failing you for so long … I'm sorry – "

"Don't …," Meredith interrupted him. She shook her head. "Don't do that …," she pleaded; her eyes again filled with tears.

_She shook her head and lost herself for a long moment, unable to speak, unable to cry. Derek reached around her, bracing her trembling frame against his – holding her steady – his nose pressed to the top of her head, his fingertips caressing the soft, warm flesh along her spine, soothing her without words, without the wherewithal to do anything more than just be there in the moment … the sun rising in the sky now well above the cloud cover._

"I'm sorry …," she muttered after a minute; he sniffled, inhaling sharply. "So … sorry …," she heaved, struggling to speak. "The water … it was just so cold, Derek … so cold … and it got so hard so quick …," she sobbed, shaking in his arms. "It was me … _I_ wasn't strong enough … _I_ wasn't enough …," she breathed as she held on tight.

"No … now that's where you're wrong …," Derek muttered with a soft smile as he pulled back, smoothing her matted hair away from her face. "You _are_ …," he insisted, his voice trailing off, encapsulated in his own moment of clarity now. "I just … I didn't hesitate, you know … to jump in and go after you – _you have to know that_ – just you and me …," he confessed as he searched her eyes.

"You saved me …," Meredith declared softly, her eyes searching his now wherein he spotted a small ray of light from within.

"I had a lot to lose …," he whispered thickly, swallowing hard as he stared at her. "_Everything_ to lose …," he added thoughtfully.

_Meredith sighed, her eyes vacillating still while everything was silent between the two for a beat as they connected – hands caressing one another's faces – wherein silent, but in no way empty promises were made. They sighed in tandem then, each silently acknowledging what a mess they were, both together and apart from one another. _

_Derek smiled weakly and rested his hand along her flushed cheek, watching her struggle to keep her eyes open now before she gracefully acquiesced and let her gateways close, wherein he pulled her near and held here there, feeling the weight of her survival as she rested in his arms. _

_Only then did he close his own eyes, slipping under, down and away from it all – 'she pulled through, she didn't jump … she was enough' – his mind wandered much like his fingertips now as they lightly danced along the open back of her hospital gown. She stirred in his arms, trembling as she did, her nose pressed into the crease of his neck … her warm breath fanning his flesh, in, out, in, out she went. _

"Derek…," she breathed then, her cheek resting on his chest now.

"Hmm …," he opened his eyes, the sweet way she said his name hung inside their private space.

"I know who was in that trauma room with me …," she whispered without moving. "But it was you … _you _saved me … rescued me … you did everything you ever said you would do … for me …," she rambled, her fragmented thoughts tumbling from her mouth and no, she still didn't move. Her grip only tightened.

"Well, I love you," Derek muttered factually, cupping her face in his hands, he drew her up and took a good long look into her watery gateways. He smiled, sniffling through his tears.

"And … I … love you … believe me … I do … I do …," she sighed, a soft raspy breath escaping from her mouth as she did. "Everything was so clear …," she recollected, seemingly a million miles away for a brief second. She smiled weakly and then blinked. "And then I made my choice … and it was you … it _is_ … you …," she smiled, inching closer.

"And so you … turned around …," he declared, running the pads of his thumbs along her cheeks, caressing the puffy and blotched skin there.

"Yes … and I didn't look back – _and you're my reason for that_ – I may have … lost the fight, surrendered in the water … but …," her voice trailed off as a smile found her eyes – _it was just a glimmer_ – just enough for him to see his woman coming through.

"You're here now …," he breathed, drawing her near, his nose brushing against hers, the hot ricochet of their collective breathing fanned his face.

She nodded in assent and a new set of tears crashing along her pink cheeks as she did. "It's our second chance … a chance … for more time … _our_ time …," she mused aloud, her words strangled, but her message clear.

"You're still you …," he announced, his lips less than in inch from hers.

"I'm still me …," she agreed as she closed the gap and kissed him.

_Their lips engaged now like their minds and hearts and souls – they kissed and it felt much like it always did – solidifying and perfect and familiar … and meant to be. He cradled her in his arms, her perfect fit still perfect, though she trembled, and before he could pull back and make sure she was all right, her kiss became more intense, more desperate wherein he reacted and suddenly wanted the same from her – more, his flight or fight reflex on high alert now – for it was the stuff of survival and he knew then, in this very moment, that the way he loved Meredith Grey had not changed, it had only intensified. _

"God, it's really true," she cried against his lips, her tears splashing along her face, slipping beneath his fingers. "A whiff of you isn't enough …," she breathed as if suffocating.

"A whiff …," Derek pondered aloud, pulling away, his glassy eyes moving over hers, … a brighter shade green already. He shook his head in wonderment, because he agreed … _a whiff simply was not enough._

"I can't explain it …," she shook her head and smiled. "It's just you – _I need you Derek_ – I didn't want to leave you … or change you … I just need you …," she sniffled, her pleading eyes searching his.

"Me too … I need you too," he sighed; a new set of tears stung his eyes.

_They sighed collectively then, each unwilling to look away from the other. Derek smoothed her hair away from her face, watching again as a heavy wave of fatigue washed over her and somehow encapsulated him in tandem. And as those waves rocked them, his head spun with everything that was said inside this moment of clarity – the one just after surgery – the moment he always wanted for his patients … and then he smiled, because this one belonged to them. _

"They'll be in soon …," he muttered, leaning in he kissed the heated plane of her cheek, _warm, soft, alive, alive._ "Close your eyes … sleep …," he encouraged as he watched her let herself go.

"And you'll be here," she whispered, curling inside his embrace.

"I will be … right here," he soothed as she grew heavier in his arms.

And so that's where they stayed, wrapped around one another deep inside their moment of clarity, this time when communication would just flow between them as they reconnected and counted their blessings and resolved to make everything right and easier between them … for this is what the beginning of a second chance does to a person … this is what it had done for them. And as they mutually acquiesced to sleep, they held onto one another with the intent of never letting go – _his eyes dipping shut, hers already closed, her breathing steady _– while his mind went wild with untapped emotion … so many feelings, so much heartache, so much pressure, so much praying … so much fear and loneliness and loathing and relief … so much … it hurt.

_And hurt it would for a long time – for he still felt the pain of losing her – and somewhere in the vast recesses of his mind, he knew he would likely hold onto those thoughts … all the terrifying 'what if's'. _

_He also knew he would guard them with great tenacity and position them next to the memories of his father's death and the loss that consumed him … and still did today. Because the truth was, he wasn't Derek Shepherd without those aches and pains … and then he wondered for a brief moment … if he really was enough to survive … __for__. _

_Because even though he knew Meredith was enough for him, a small amount of self-doubt lingered and he had to ask himself … was he enough for her? Was he strong enough? Was his faith strong enough? Was his belief in true love enough? Was his belief in soul mate love enough? Was his belief in the miracle of medicine enough? Was he enough?_

_And therein, he already knew the answer; his response to all questions would be the same. Yes, yes, he would answer, for he had no other choice – because she had survived – so yes, yes, he would answer … with one final question remaining: would he survive?_

Fatigue claimed him as his tattered and torn heart and soul and mind pondered this ugly range of thoughts. He breathed deeply, matching his output with Meredith's once again – _her body heavy, her breathing as it should be_ – slow and steady and therein, he found the elixir he was looking for – _his medical miracle _– tucked safely inside his embrace where everything was aligned and clear and perfect … and full of hope.

And as he drifted off to that dark place, his thoughts soared into the future and he had a vision, very much like one he'd seen before, a long time ago, when he first met Meredith and she saved him without even trying – _for this was his recurring dreamscape_ – the one that made him believe that he was in love with her in the first place. The one that restored his optimism and hope and belief in true … undying … love. The dreamscape he also believed he would one day share with Meredith.

###

_For inside this dreamscape he had come to memorize, he would stand on some unmarked piece of land and look down and away – it always started out that he was searching for something – something near and dear to him, something he'd lost along the way. And he had a feeling that he had been searching for a long time for that missing thing, until he would come to realize that it wasn't something or even someone … rather it was an element to his life, an element that while it was missing, made him feel less than ordinary. _

_And so he would wander around in that dark place and open his eyes wide to see further into the velvety darkness as he stood on the edge of something – on the precipice of seeing what he was meant to see – all alone out there in this dream, until the wind would invariably change, pushing against his back, cold, invisible, damp, urging him to press on and move._

_And so he would, he would begin to walk inside the darkness, the earth crackling under his feet as he went. His freezing hands shoved into his pockets, his wool coat hardly enough – a fleeting thought would come – he should be scared. He should try to blink the dream away, blink, blink, blink. _

_But blinking never worked, never. So he would press on and move forward and let the wind guide him, and then he would see it … he would see her. _

_And when he did, his heart would always tremble and his mind would always go blank for a beat as his legs would stop walking and he would survey the sight before him with his last breath trapped in his lungs. _

_For there she stood – his missing element – this part of himself he had long ago said farewell to, until he met Meredith and she changed him or reminded him of what he'd been lacking ... and that, to him, was extraordinary. _

_And so as there he would linger upon that precipice and marvel at her ... stunned by her natural beauty and strength, for she was a vision … she was his angel … his miracle … his savior … his everything … swathed in a pattern of flickering candle lights. _

_And even so, even if he knew all of this, he stayed in his spot to watch her because she was her true self in that dreamscape moment – she belonged to herself – she wasn't yet marred by what he had done to her. And then he would feel a smile crack along his face as he watched her, for she was alighted by her task – rambling away about how stupid he was – except that he could see the light in her eyes, the one that made him fall in love with her that very night they met … the one that restored his faith and hope in miracles. _

_And so with his eyes pinned to that light, he would navigate away from the darkness and step toward his woman, watching as she would light a candle and set it on the ground only to pick another one up and do the same, the plain of grass she stood upon becoming bigger and bigger with each candle she illuminated. _

_And as the lights flickered and the land all around her became bigger, he thought she would become dwarfed in the mix – but she didn't – because when she would finally see him and he would watch her breathing hitch and her eyes shimmer in the darkness, all he could really see was her hope and undying love and faith … and it was a miracle ... for she had survived all that was done to her and only she remained … his soul mate and the love of his lifetime … his miracle. _

**Miracle Drug – Epilogue to follow.**


	8. Part 8, 'Don't be a dam,'

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks to those who have endured this throwback with me, I do so appreciate your time and comments. I also hope you enjoy this last section, the epilogue, the aftermath of the ferryboat arc. Let me know what you think!**

**Miracle Drug – Epilogue – 'Don't be a dam …,'**

"_Meredith … you drowned … in the Elliott Bay."_

_The hallow tone of Denny Douquette's now familiar voice funneled through Meredith's mind, his words still haunting her, shallow, yet sincere. And it was about then that her thoughts turned to Izzie._

_Alone in the bathroom. Her cheek pressed to the tile, both white and cool. The sound of the zipper of her prom dress as it moved, down, down, down to reveal her arrow-straight spine, her alabaster skin. _

"_They are barely breathing. This will break them."_

_The air was stifling; her tryst with Derek in the exam room still hung on her shoulders like akin to a prayer shawl – 'do you think I want to look at you' – came his soft confession, their sex reverberated still, her delicate muscles hot, alive, already pulsing and yearning for him … even now, again. Her core stirred. Her heart raced … 'yes, I think you do,' she answered silently as she claimed him as her own, wherein each pulse of her muscles told him so._

"_Do you know what kind of miracle it is that Derek is who he is?" _

_Sweat pooled on her brow. And Izzie's too. Sorrow etched along her beautiful face.__She worked alone in the kitchen until dawn. A white dusting of baking flour rested upon her flushed cheeks … the simple halo of a grieving angel. _

"_Do you know how rare it is that someone like him even exists?"_

_And there she stood, night after night – she baked and baked until the whiff of her essence became a mixture of blood and sweat and tears – and chocolate cupcakes … perfection, with a hint of coconut. _

"_He's still an optimist. He still believes in true love and magic and soul mates."_

_And then she drowned – they both did, Meredith and Izzie, quite literally – pulled down in tandem by the searing pain housed within their once bright eyes … scared, untrusting and devoid of life. _

"_He's waiting for you and if you don't come back from this, you will change who he is."_

###

_Meredith blinked and then she waited. The fleeting, jumbled moment was gone. The baking was over. Denny was dead, no more than a figment … but she was not, she was not … dead … and she had to remember this. And she did, __remember__ … she remembered this was just – a dream, a nightmare – simply the complex subterfuge of her brain as it insulated itself amidst its recovery … so yes, she remembered. _

_She remembered now as the freezing cold water lapped at her feet, the slow rise of the flood waters closing in on her presently as she stood idly by and waited – because it was no use – because she knew by now that the water would continue to rise at a steady rate before small white caps would begin to accentuate its undercurrent, both dark and twisty. Higher and higher it would rise – splinters of ice, rigid and cold – lapping at her kneecaps now … as she blinked … the water slicing through her like a ten-blade!_

_So sharp now that her fighter instincts kicked into high gear as she turned to wade through its murky depths, her blood cold, her heart stymied, arrested – four chambers frozen in time – no place to turn now, no antechamber to hide inside, for she was stuck!_

_And so it was there that would wait. Bones cold. Heart aching. Mind blank. She waited. _

_And then she heard it … __him__ … her beacon, her angel's call –'slow, deep, breaths' – and suddenly everything would change, just as she knew it would – 'you can do this' – she gasped for air, oxygen filling her lungs to capacity now, 'breathe, breathe', she chanted as she pried her eyes open … fatigue covering her akin to a weathered cloak. And just like that, the dreamscape was over._

###

Her heart thumped wildly, banging inside of her ears as her eyes popped open, her lungs singed with oxygen… darkness consuming her still as a layer of fresh sweat soaked her brow while she instinctively forced herself to breathe – _her tortuous gasp reverberating through her eardrums now too, in, out, in, out_ – she breathed, inhaling the dank of the Elliott Bay, a trigger scent … _so real … so new_… as it clung to her nostrils, even now.

A shiver ripped up her spine and with that force … she blinked, desperately searching for Derek in the dark; her heart thumping wildly as she found him, right where she left him – _safe and sound, tucked deep inside a calm sea of twisted bed linens_ – his breathing slow and steady, his gorgeous, all-seeing eyes … closed for now. And yet, she still sought reassurance – _straining to watch his chest as she opened her eyes wider and wider _– so careful not to disturb him though, for the aftershock of her recurring nightmare was starting to recede now as she blinked and waited and waited and waited … and for what, she wasn't sure.

Inhaling sharply, she quietly rolled to her side, curling into her lover's heat, _'safe, safe'_, she breathed, slow and deep, her eyes still trained on his chest as she tenaciously tried to match her internal rhythm with his – _'slow and deep', in, out, in, out_ – she burrowed deeper, hiding under the covers where no one could get her – _that new special place where the freezing water couldn't find her_ – the damp darkness seeping from her porous bones as she tirelessly worked to calm her heart and mind and spirit.

Exhaling now, she glanced at the clock wherein she momentarily became entranced by its fiery glow, red, hot – _she'd slept for three hours _– not nearly enough and not as close to sunrise as she would have liked, but it was a start … and then without a second thought, she quickly fell into her routine, this new round of mantras she so tenaciously worked through, time and time again.

'_You can do this, heal yourself …,' she chanted, for she knew this much had not changed – she was a surgeon, a fighter – her mind fell on the hospital wherein she felt the pressure immediately mount, briefly pulling her below the surface before she pushed her way back to the top – once again breathing, focusing on the present, her imminent return to work still three days out – she still had three days, three days and nights to come to terms with her death and what it meant … for the rest of her … life. _

'_Sleep' she commanded herself then, Derek's heat still saving her, still in constant combat with the nightmare of the water – her mind still deluge with fears of drowning as she tread tenaciously – her body still cold and tired, stymied in the vast wasteland of the murky water as it tried to claim her! _

_The nightmare so embedded now that she wondered if her angry muscles would ever relax again. Her mind, body and spirit frayed around the edges, the last of her hope … depleted, save for one – she focused, 'Derek, Derek' – she breathed and waited and listened … 'it's okay, he's okay,' they had time, they were okay, now all she had to do was __believe__ it, to trust herself and this new beginning … to trust him. _

_Trust._

_Her eyes popped open – the clock glowered at her – taunting her still until she blinked and then she waited …waited for the clock to tick forward … waited for a new hour to begin. And so there she stayed, waiting for that wave of clarity to come, holding herself steady until it did … because when it came, as it had as of late, it was a beautiful, cathartic thing._

Calming her heart, Meredith sighed somewhere deep inside and vowed to once again work on her pain and stress management – _and therein, she moved, took action_ – slowly rolling away from Derek, stealthily slipping from their protective chrysalis … determined now to do something about the persistent chill that had claimed her bones. A scalding hot shower on her mind as she entered the confines of the bathroom and closed the door behind her. Sighing once alone, she flipped the light on and started the shower before she came to stand in front of the small vanity mirror where she stared at herself for a lost, private beat in time, no one around to pass judgment but herself.

_The mirror became cloudy, warm, damp air circulating now – twirling all around her reflection disappeared once and for all – the veil of uncertainty having all but materialized again within minutes, her fleeting moment of clarity … gone too. _

And so lost was she for a moment that she resisted the urge to wipe her hand towel over the mirror (something she had done with haste ever since she had gotten home) – _for she couldn't take it anymore_ – the idea of disappearing! Her heart rate quickened; hot air filled her lungs. She disrobed, stepping out of her sweat-soaked clothing now to turn her back on her vanishing identity in favor of cleansing herself under the scalding hot spray of water.

Once there, she tilted her head back, breathing deeply, she counted – _'one, two, three'_ – inhaling as she did, her focus returning now as she began the same count for her exhale – _'one, two, three' –_ moving her hands through her hair, the water massaging her skull, her weary mind resetting as she stood perfectly still and basked in the radiant heat of the water, her whole body lulled for a beat until she heard her mother's stern voice.

'_Don't be a dam …,'_

Her heart pounded – _'alive, alive' _– her mother's words reverberating still … somehow omnipresent as she breathed – _in, out, in, out, 'waiting for it to pass'_ – as she allowed the hot water to soothe every nerve and fiber of her being … and then, as if she'd been given another small miracle – _for the first time in this second chance of her new life _– as she closed her eyes, Meredith Grey allowed herself to feel it: _that overwhelming warmth … and that too, was a beautiful and cathartic thing._

###

And days later, as she sat in the living room, tucked deep inside her favorite cashmere blanket, she still felt it – _the resonating heat from those first scalding showers she had taken_ – yes, she still felt the affects of those cleansing moments of clarity, her eyes and mind clear now, so clear that everything suddenly made sense.

And though she still woke up every night with that same residual memory-dreamscape – _she pushed her way through it, treading water as the frozen memory that lapped at her feet and knees and hips became warmer and warmer and its current, calmer and calmer _– until her mind began to focus the future, her buoy, _'Derek, Derek'_ … she smiled, her heartbeat strong, her body temperature normal …warm _'alive, alive'_.

'_Alive, alive'_, her eyes dipped shut and therein she opened her ears, straining to hear Derek and Alex as the hushed tones of their voices traveled into her space from the kitchen where they were clearing the dishes from the quick lunch they had shared after Alex's impromptu visit. Her brain registering every third or so word they exchanged now – _'she's good, better, fatigue, concern, survived, Ellis, Jane Doe, all right, exhausted'_ – she sighed and opened her eyes when she heard the floorboards creak and the door swing open, smiling as she surveyed the pair of them, taking her turn to search for signs of fatigue.

Derek smiled and approached the sofa. Leaning down, he pressed a long, soft kiss to Meredith's temple, his instinctual need to breathe her in alive and well as he did. "I'll be back," he said softly, meeting her emerald gateways. She blinked. "An hour, maybe two, tops," he murmured, tilting his head.

"I'll stick around," Alex offered, nodding in ascent as he met Derek's vacillating eyes.

"Perfect, now … go," Meredith smiled at Derek with encouragement.

Her eyes shining as she once again watched how hard it was for him to turn away, for they had begun to reconnect and even though she knew he was riddled with guilt over what had happened to her in the water (about as much guilt as she felt herself) – _she also knew they had to start living again_ – and living meant working, saving, cutting. She smiled one last time and so did he before he turned around and shook Alex's hand before he slipped out of the living room and into the foyer, calling to her one last time before he opened the front door and closed it behind him.

_Meredith sighed inside the relative quiet and smirked as Alex sat down and settled himself back and into the deep sofa across from her. And although he smirked in return, she could easily see the aftermath of the ferryboat crash and the toll it had taken on him. For his apparent consumption with his patient, this woman, Jane Doe, riddled his face and eyes, he was tired, worn down by fatigue and stress – and she had to admit – it was a lot like looking at Derek. She watched his eyes dip shut as tears stung hers. She smiled weakly._

"You're a good person," she deemed softly after another minute.

Alex opened his eyes. "So are you," he sighed; shifting in his seat, he found himself looking around the room.

"How are you coping?" she inquired, tilting her head; she pressed her lips together into a thin smile.

"With what?" he sparred, though truth be told, he didn't have the urge to bate or fight her on the state of his life.

"Everything," she answered simply, wrapping the blanket tighter around her shoulders. "Working … running …Jane Doe …," she elaborated. She shifted in her seat. "Are you sleeping?" she asked pointedly.

"Here and there," he answered candidly, having already come to terms with the new level of fatigue he'd been operating under since the accident.

"Where?" she pushed, watching him with a keen eye.

"Where am I sleeping?" he asked incredulously, locking his eyes with hers; she nodded and raised her brow.

And it was there that the _'siblings'_ held their tongues and for once in his life this was okay for Alex – _to be in the hot seat_ – it was okay because Meredith was okay and they had all done a lot of hoping and praying (to their own respective Gods) while she was down and out. And even though he couldn't remember the last time he prayed so hard, he knew those prayers finally meant something because she meant something to him. For he had known for a while now that Meredith somehow was his mirror – _his proof _– that they had survived their crappy childhoods and had miraculously made to the other side of it all … especially now, after everything, she had definitely made a believer out of him … _for life_.

"You know … the back bedroom is open …with George … gone and married," Meredith said after a long moment, smiling as Alex cocked his head. "And I think you should move in," she announced softly.

"You do," he stated evenly, staring at his friend, mystified by the way the light fell along her shoulders … just like an angel.

"Yeah," she answered, watching him watch her.

"Why?" he wondered aloud, a smile forming along his handsome face. "Are you on drugs?" he snorted, his mind instantly on Izzie.

"Not anymore," she chortled; Alex chuckled, huffing into the air as they shared a laugh.

"So why? You say this now … but …," he sighed and shook his head, his eyes sweeping the living room.

"Because you need a place … you need this place – _and you don't have to vilify yourself_ – it's enough, you … you know, it's okay to _need_ people …," she tried, but then stopped herself, already watching the construction of his barrier wall – _brick over brick over brick_ – a trick she knew well, one she used herself. She shook her head in silent protest. "Everyone needs a place … you need one too …," she tried again, her voice softer this time as she held her own, unwilling to let him avert his eyes.

"I do," he agreed gruffly, acquiescing ever so slightly under her watchful eyes, bending in favor of his friend … his confidant and _'sister'_, because she was right, he couldn't survive much longer living the way he was.

"You do," she also agreed.

_And just like that it was settled. Alex was moving in … he had a place. And as they began to chat about what Izzie might have to say, Meredith could only smile and believe what she knew all along … that they had indeed survived all the crap of their youth – but as fate would dictate – maybe it was only now, in the here and now that they would have that chance to live again … on their own terms._

###

The fog had lifted; at least that was what she told herself _– reminded herself_ – even now, especially now as she hugged her pillow and once again waited for it to pass because clarity was hers. So slowly, slowly now her heart rate normalized and the warmth of her new life encapsulated her from the inside out, seeping into her blood stream from deep within her bone marrow.

Focusing, she stared at the clock – _1:01 AM_ – in less than six hours, she would be up and back to work. Back to the hospital – _this place that, with sudden clarity –_ she realized had represented nothing more than quantified times of limbo in her life (until now) … her childhood, her residency … her life with Derek and without him. And even more suddenly, this place where her mother died – _and so had she_ – and just like that, her personal history changed, the minute she woke up, she wasn't herself anymore.

Fat tears stung her eyes then and she sighed, stifling a sob that seemed to clog her throat out of nowhere. She closed her eyes and made an attempt at calming herself – _hoping she hadn't woken Derek_ – and it wasn't because she was hiding, it was more out of a means of testing herself … her will, her fortitude … the stuff that made her Meredith Grey … the stuff she needed if she was really going to navigate her way through all the shit, the stuff that would make or break her because she was so sick of being broken.

_She closed her eyes and held her breath – she could do this – by herself … she had to … and on that thought, Derek's breathing pattern changed and she knew she wasn't alone anymore. He was awake._

"You okay?" he queried, having listened to her long enough; he inched closer to Meredith's heat as she laced her hand through his and tugged it around her trim waist.

"I will be," she whispered; clearing her throat as she turned in his arms, lacing her legs through his, she settled herself there. She found his tired eyes in the darkness and he, hers.

"You're still you?" he prompted, staring at her for a beat – _making sure of her_ – before he pressed his lips to her cheek where he pulsed and breathed her in.

"I will be," she repeated, also breathing him in now, she inhaled his masculine scent: _fabric softener and soap and sleep and Derek._

"I know, you just need time," he encouraged. "And sleep …," he whispered, cradling her.

"So do you," she countered, running her fingertips along the darker pigment of skin framed his tired eyes. She tilted her head and regarded him.

"I do," he agreed softly. Meredith sighed heavily. "Just relax," he soothed, dancing his fingertips along her back under her shirt. "You're tense … humming even … relax, slow, deep breaths," he coached, breathing through his own nose as he spoke.

_Exhaling through his mouth, Derek did the only thing he could do – held her close, his nose pressed into her neck now to gather her heat – his own body tightly wound … __so__ uptight that he felt his every nerve ending snap. 'She was okay, warm, alive, beautiful and breathing', he reminded himself once again as his woman became heavier in his arms – 'she was warm' – he reminded himself yet again, dismissing that dismal memory of her … waterlogged, ice-cold and blue._

_He blinked … they just needed time; time to heal their wounds, both old and new. Time to connect … time that belonged to them. He felt her breathe, her hot essence breezing along his shoulder – in, out, warm, cool, warm, cool – she kissed his neck and draped her free thigh over his hipbone where they sank into their innate heat … familiar, comforting, impervious … home. Relaxing, he closed his eyes then and succumbed to her hold on him – allowing himself the pleasure of losing himself within her aura – finding a reprieve of peace there until her breathing changed again._

"Tell me something Derek," she prompted after a minute, her voice shakier than she intended. She inhaled sharply; he tightened his hold on her.

"What do you want to know?" he asked, his lips pressed to her neck, then down to the small cap of her shoulder.

"Something you've never told me before_…,"_ she answered without hesitation; she shifted more comfortably in his arms, his hot breath fanning her neck. She felt him relax and let herself do the same. "Something to help me fall asleep," she added thoughtfully.

"Hmm … okay," he smiled reflexively.

"Okay …," she repeated, settling her head in the perfect crook of his neck.

Derek smiled. "I … ah … I have a recurring dream … one I've had for a long time now," he said softly, smirking slightly when Meredith looked up before balancing herself onto her elbow, a small smile etched along her face as she did.

"You dream?" she asked of him, her free hand moving up and down his abdomen.

"Hmm, mmm," he smiled, reaching up; he rested his hand along the angular plane of her cheek … she was warm. She smiled under his touch before she lay down again, this time resting her head on his pillow … where they were finally eye to eye.

"Am I in this dream?" she asked, her eyes pinned to his, warmth radiating from their heat for one another … she was warm and safe … so safe. She smiled.

"You _are_ the dream … my dream," he clarified, pushing his nose against hers.

"Tell me …," she prompted, unable to stop herself from smiling; her cheeks heating under his intense scrutiny.

"Well … it's … always the same – _it starts off with total darkness_ – so dark I can barely see where I am," he began softly, the dreamscape already playing deep within his mind's eye. He smiled and locked his eyes with Meredith's. "Of course, by now I know … I end up feeling my way around in the darkness where I realize I am in the middle of an unfamiliar piece of land – _and I'm searching for something _– but I can't figure out what I'm looking for," he sighed, smiling as he watched a light form in her eyes, both in his dream and there in front of him as she smiled. "And the more I _search_, the more I strain my eyes to _see_ … and the thing is, in my mind, I know … I know what I am desperate to find is right in front of me – _or at least I kind of know I have already found what I've been looking for_ – but anyway … I'm searching … and then I see it … it's faint, barely there, but I see it through a cluster of trees … I see it," he breathed, his heart hitching now just as it always did in the dream.

Meredith's heart raced; she found herself hung on her lover's every word. "What? What do you see?" she asked, so curious now as she searched his eyes, _back and forth_.

"Flickering lights – _candle lights_ – bouncing, dancing … everywhere," he sighed, holding her close before he continued.

"Candle lights," Meredith murmured with a small smile.

"Yeah …," he smiled. "And so I walk, down and away from where I stand and I suddenly know I've found what I need … and as I walk – _I feel like I'm being pulled or drawn to the lights_ – like a moth to a flame, you know?" he prompted as he stared at her. Meredith shifted, moving closer. "And then …," he smiled softly and shook his head.

"What?" she prompted, smiling as she stared at him, seeing his charismatic spirit for the first time in a long, long time.

"I see you …," he smiled broadly, seeing the surprise set along her beautiful face.

"Me …," Meredith beamed with wonder as her cheeks heated.

"Yeah … and you're there … surrounded by the dancing lights ... and suddenly … you – _you're all I see_ – and you're everything I know I need or was missing … you're everything …," he sighed, caressing her face.

"Everything," she breathed, losing herself inside his steadfast gaze … so full of clarity and truth.

"Everything to me," he sighed; inching closer, he kissed her, soft and quick. "And beautiful … you're full of life and passion … and you … you want me, you … _need_ me too, I can feel it … it's in the way you look at me … and hold me … the way you kiss me back … you need me too …," he articulated, brushing his lips against hers again.

"I do … need you …now I do …," she confirmed, pulsing her lips over his, their kiss instantly taking on a life of its own for a lost beat in time. "It's a beautiful dream," she sighed against his lips, basking in the intimacy of the moment.

"It is …," he agreed, beaming at her as he pulled back.

"Thanks for sharing it with me," she whispered, burrowing deeper into his heat, her body stretching along his, she hugged him close. "Maybe one day it will come true," she sighed as her heart settled down.

"I hope so …," he murmured, holding her close, his nose pressed into the crown of her head where he inhaled.

"I love you, Derek," she whispered, craning her neck up and back where she held his gaze, her own eyes watering at the thought of his beautiful dream.

"And I love you … so much," he breathed; searching her eyes for signs of distress, pleased that he couldn't find any.

Meredith smiled against Derek's lips as he ducked down and began to kiss her deeply, their mouths joined together now in a familiar dance of passion where they instinctually made love to one another there – _basking in their connectivity and their innate ability to lose themselves in one another _– kissing, loving and caressing as they rolled and shifted so that Meredith was pinned beneath Derek. Breathless, they stared at one another, their hearts beating wildly together; her arms above her head in submission – _her vulnerability gone for the moment, amiss inside this rare beat of clarity_ – eye to eye, they smiled … gorgeous smiles, smiles that said everything they were feeling without a single spoken word.

And so captivated was she by her lover's adoring gaze that she truly lost herself – _'disappearing' in a way that was finally okay with her_ – allowing herself to feel the permeation of trust and undying love she felt for him … and he for her. Trust … she let herself own it for this brief solidifying moment and with her eyes wide open, she succumbed to the mighty power of _'them'_.

'_Drowning'_ in their heat now, she closed eyes and let him have his way with her, focusing on every even press and pulse of his lips to her hot skin, _down, down, down_ he moved to her neck and then clavicle, her legs instinctively wrapped around his trim waist now where they held one another inside this small, intimate moment, savoring the feeling of their bodies and minds and spirits as they healed one another.

_Derek was consumed, there was no other way to define what Meredith did to him, still, even now … he was assured, for the physicality of their relationship was something their thing was built upon … and he wasn't going to lie – it felt more than perfect to feel her fire for him surround him again – it made her real to him again, it made her human and he loved that about her. _

_Breathing deeply, he kissed his way back up to her lips, tasting her essence on his tongue, massaging her mouth with his for a beat longer before he smoothed Meredith's hair away from he face, rolling off of her as he draped his thigh over hers where they held one another there, deep inside the trenches of their intimacy. The darkness as smooth as velvet now as they finally closed their eyes wherein he became perched upon the precipice, this idea that his dream of this woman – his miracle, his panacea and the love of his life – was about to become his reality, again … and then he smiled._

"Meredith," he whispered, watching now as she opened her gateways to find him.

"Yeah …," she breathed, more relaxed than she had in … forever.

"In my dream … and now, especially now," he sighed with a small smile. "You … you were, you _are_ … _anything_ but ordinary," he whispered, his voice cracking as he watched her eyes become slick.

"Really?" she sniffled, emotion covering in a cloak made of recognition – _her mother's voice lingering in her mind _– even now, after everything … _'you are anything but ordinary, Meredith'_.

"Really," Derek answered, flanking his hands on her skull as he held her there for a long minute.

_And as they settled into one another – eyes tired, hearts resting easier – Derek found himself still marveling at Meredith and everything she had become and everything she already was … while she did the same. Because in a matter of a split-second – he knew they were mirrors once again and could finally see one another with clarity – for the fog of uncertainty had been lifted and all that remained was the beautiful mess they had become. _

_And suddenly … that was fine by him, because it was something made from his unyielding love for her – it was something made from his prayers and tears and hope for her survival – or maybe it was just their fates or destinies combined, although the path was suddenly irrelevant, overshadowed by … their intertwined miracles._

And though their recovery would surely be arduous, Meredith found that her heart was alighted – _because it was within those brief and clarifying moments that she too finally realized _– she had survived. She also realized that she loved Derek and in some very big and scary and solidifying ways, she knew nothing was going to change that … because she _'came back'_ for him and to see this thing through and therein she knew he would be who he _always_ had been to her: this knight in shining _'whatever'_ who saved her just like she had saved him over and over again since that night they first met.

_And just like that she knew they would stand as miracles for one another, for all time. _

###

"_Alex is moving into this house?"_ came Izzie's demanding voice, breaking through the sound barrier of sleep the next morning.

Meredith opened her eyes to her caustic energy, the warmth of their sleep-laden heat already escaping out of the top of the comforter. "He's taking George's room," she answered without hesitation.

"Why?" Izzie demanded, stomping her foot akin to a toddler.

"I was asleep just a minute ago," Derek muttered, the fog of sleep lifting, his eyes barely open as he rolled halfway to chase Meredith's heat.

"Yeah, and I was naked in the bathroom when Alex walked in!" Izzie exclaimed. "I'm lucky I didn't come out of the shower to find him peeing all over the seat!" she ranted.

Derek huffed and rolled back over. "And we're up," he grunted, the sleepy haze he'd been shaken from no more than a distant memory now as his feet hit the wooden floorboards.

"What's wrong with where he was living before?" Izzie huffed, tightening her towel at the top.

"I don't know where he was living before," Meredith answered, shifting to sit up, she blinked, forcing herself to wake up.

"Probably a whore house," she answered flatly, sitting down as Meredith snorted. She grabbed Meredith's body lotion. "I can't have him living in the room next door, it's weird," she muttered, pouring the lotion onto her opposite hand.

Meredith sighed and watched her friend. "People are what matters. Alex is one of our people; we can't leave him out in the cold," she reasoned, watching now as a small smirk formed along her friend's face.

"People are what matters?" Izzie questioned sardonically shaking her head. "You don't like people," she reminded Meredith before she stopped herself. "Is this about your mother?" she asked candidly without missing a beat.

The shower cut off; Meredith glanced at the door and then she smiled slightly. "No, I had a near death … whatever – _I was dead and now I'm not –_so I'd like to use this chance I've been given to be more positive," she stated truthfully. "People are what matters," she breathed, spotting with ease Izzie's skepticism. "Paint with all the colors of the wind," she chided playfully as her friend stood.

"Oh, okay. You're crazy now," she smirked, backing up toward the door.

"I'm alive!" Meredith cackled, watching her friend go.

"Yeah, okay," Izzie deadpanned as she closed the door behind her.

_And then all was quiet. Meredith smiled, hunkering down and into the comforter once again – she closed her eyes and listened for Derek as he brushed his teeth – sticking one foot beyond the warmth, she considered joining him, but quickly reconsidered when the cold air attacked her skin. Smiling still, she inhaled a deep breath of air, the essence of her lavender body lotion filling her lungs as she opened her eyes and stretched her body deep inside that sleepy warmth, a large yawn escaping from her mouth as she did. She sighed and turned her head, focusing on the light coming in through the window … filtered, overcast and gray, but in no way dull or lifeless. _

_The bathroom door creaked open and with that she turned her attention to Derek, his shoulders and broad chest damp and glistening, clean and pink. She smiled and watched his tired eyes become brighter and brighter as he brushed his teeth and flirted with her; he winked and she snorted before he ducked back into the bathroom to rinse his mouth. _

"That went better than I thought it would," Meredith commented as he appeared again with a wry grin, his eyes bright and blue and clear.

"Paint with all colors of the wind … seriously?" he smirked playfully as he held her gaze … bright, green, her cheeks heating under his watchful eyes.

"Something like that," she chided. "Pocahontas," she referenced, a raucous giggle falling from her lips.

_Her happy, bouncing eyes flicking to his as he dropped his towel and bated her for a beat before he turned around and began to search through his drawers for some clothing. And there she sat for a long minute, just watching her man – her core waking up as if she finally __saw__ him for the very first time – and then she smiled, once again basking in her clarity: she loved him … and she wanted him and their thing together. _

Derek felt Meredith's eyes on him and he smirked as he turned around. "Like what you see?" he flirted, his eyes moving over hers, back and forth as he checked her over.

She smirked. "I do …," she giggled, pushing herself up and back against the headboard; her cheeks hot with desire.

"Good …," he teased as he moved around to her side of the bed and sat down, pushing her waves of hair back and away from her face as he held her there. "You sure about today?" he asked, his eyes still vacillating, his heart racing … just like hers.

"I'm sure …," she smiled, reminding herself that he was well within his right to hover (though she hoped his need to would wane over time). "I'll survive," she sighed, her eyes growing wide over her choice of words as Derek's did the same.

"I know," he chuckled. "You will … you already have," he soothed, tears already filling the wells of their eyes as he gathered her in his arms. "You're my medical miracle, Meredith … my … miracle …," he murmured, pressing his nose and mouth into the warmth of her head where he breathed her in while she held on tight for another suspended moment in time that belonged solely to them.

–**END –**


End file.
